Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Raghav, at last got a grip on him self, and wore his shoes. There was this hollow feeling in his chest, Anjali is getting married. He looked at himself at the mirror, wearing his best attire. He didn’t seem to think much about dressing up these days. It was just wearing anything he had and going to office and coming back late after supper time. He had drowned himself in work for the last one year and it reflected back at him.
Flashes of lightening and sounds of thunder were filling the night. That’s when he could barely hear his cell phone ringing. It was Ajay, his college friend. They had planned to go together and he was dropping in. Ajay was in the same group Raghav and Anjali were in. “ Hello!” said Raghav.
“Hey, Rags, Im just coming over, lets go in my car, its pouring out here”
“Ya, Sure Ajay, just ring the bell and come in when you are here, Ill make us some hot cuppa tea”
“Chal, then Cya”
“See ya” Raghav hung up and went to the kitchen.
Raghav, set the water on the hot stove to boil and added his ingredients. As he saw the water simmering in the pot he looked at the color turning Red by the tea leaves he put in. the small bubbles gave way for sweet tea aroma. His mind again wondered to the one person he had’nt missed for the last 2 yrs, as he had in the last 2 hours. Anjali, was like a haunted memory today, she was coming back to his mind, and there was this hollow feeling in his stomach that woudnt, go. Something had stuck, stuck on the bottom of his heart and leeched at his tummy and lungs, to make them hollow. Raghav had never felt like this since the few days after that rainy day when he had told her how he truly felt about her and maybe also when he had decided not to call her and make her memory erase itself with time. He was successful he had thought, but today she was back like it had been yesterday. Everything that had blurred over the years were back, like the old wounds opening up again after many years.
Raghav, felt his knees going weak and leant against the kitchen table. He saw that the pot was boiling after he had just added milk without realizing it. He was confused about the sugar, had he put it or not. Just then the door bell rang.
Raghav put the stove to simmer, and walked to welcome Ajay in. Opening the door with a forced smile to Ajay, we ushered him in the living room.
“Hey Ajay, ill just be back with the tea, the whethers gone really cold yaar”
“Ya, that’s true, Im glad the wedding is at a hotel not a garden, or I would have spoilt my new shoes” Ajay smiled, looking at Raghav through the serving window of the kitchen.
Rag’s peered at him amused, “Typical Ajay, tu bilkul nahi badlaa, except that tummy tyres.”
Ajay patted his tummy, “You, also get married, my friend, you will find your tummy flourishing like mine”
Rag’s laughed, returning from the kitchen with the tray with two cups of tea“That reminds me when is Pooja, coming from Rajkot?”.
Ajay groaned “ Let me enjoy my bachelor days yaar, come over sometime before next weekend, or we will not get to watch football once she is back”
Raghav smiled, “Sure buddy this weekend for sure. Raghav’s special Chai for you my friend” placing the tray on the table of the living room.
Raghav picked up a cup and sat on the couch opposite to Ajay’s, folding a leg. He looked at the wall clock the time was five minutes past seven, they were planning to arrive at the wedding eightish. Raghav was glad Ajay was here, atleast Anju would stop troubling him with her smiles and memories, in his head.
Ajay was sipping the tea and looking around at the many pieces on the wall piece, his eyes fell on a photoframe.
“Hey Raghav, isn’t that the goa trip, during our final year” he stood up and walked up to it. Ajay, held the frame in his hand and looked closely, “ We all look so tiny in this photograph and you look so tanned man. And look at Anjali yaar, she looks so different with the bandana and all. This trip was really fun!! Miss those day’s” He kept the photo frame back at the rack on the wall. Ajay head had a frown as he sat back and sipped his tea. He felt akward for the moment he reacted at the photograph, Raghav had not replied and was looking at the carpet patterns lost in deep thought. There was this akward silence hanging in the room like an ugly ornament fallen out of a witch’s broomstick. Ajay played with two thoughts in his mind to break the newly formed ice, either he touch the topic of Anjali that he was thinking about while driving to pick Rags up or just change the topic casually and then touch upon it later or maybe never. Ajay remembered that during the Goa trip everyone thought that Anjali and Rags were inseperable and true couple. But then around 6 months later after they all graduated, at a reunion Rags had told all of them that Anjali and himself were always just friends. Rags later had confessed to Ajay, neeraj and the other guys over drinks that he had proposed to Anjali after farewell and hadn’t she had said that she didn’t love him and they had decided to part ways for their own good.
Ajay, thought better of it and manged to say “ Hey, I just remembered my wedding cocktail party, our second reunion. I was going through the videos the other day getting bored with Pooja gone and all. Rag’s you really set the mood that day with all the dancing”.
Rag’s felt himself smile at the carpet pattern, he knew what Ajay was talking about. It was the same day that Anjali had that dance and the last personal talk. At the cocktail party at Ajay’s wedding they had this poolside party with close friends. There was a mocktail bar with some cocktails for the guys. The music was at a slow pace and anjali and the gang were standing at the poolside ramp talking, and Rags heard his favorite song, Dance with me tonight playing, Anjali was observing Anjali with the corner of his eyes. There was this air of distance between them since it had been only 6 months since he had expressed his love and they had been in contact but never touched the topic as decided on that rainy day. Rag’s felt his heart race as he looked at her, and for a brief moment that made his heart jump he saw her look into his eyes, there was the fleeting moment from over the rim of her wine glass that made his heart ache. He decided he was gonna ask her to dance, maybe it was the dirty martini he was drinking or his feeling in his heart. He walked over to Anjali and asked “ Could I have the pleasure for a dance with the lady” Anjali looked shocked for a second and took a step back on her stillethos. Anjali was looking lovely in the black cocktail dress. Rags extended his heart and smiled with all his charm, pleading “Please, a last one”. Anjali was always akward for a dance but something told her that Raghav wouldn’t take a no and she too felt like dancing. She placed her manicured hand on his hand. And Raghav turned around and led her to the dance floor, amid cheers and cat-calls from friends. “Cmon Raghav” Ajay cooed. There was no one on the dance floor as the party was very boring then. Anjali was unsure, “Raghav I don’t know how to dance.”
“Don’t worry Anju, nor do I” just sway to the music.
He placed his hand on her waist and took her right had and placed it on his shoulder and they waltz around, Raghav was speaking out the steps, instructing right leg back now left sidewards now turn. As Anjali picked up the routine, they waltzed the dancefloor in circles. Raghav realized there was alderelin flowing and his heart thumping. Anju had never looked so beautiful, he could see only her beautiful, brown eyes and she too was keeping eye contact now that there was no need to look at their feet for steps. Carless whispers was playing now and people had circled the dancefloor cheering them. He could feel her fingers on his palm with which he was leader her in the directions and sometimes giving her a free hand to have a circle. As anjali took a circle she was looking at his eyes even when she was out of sight for the fleeting moment that she couldn’t turn her neck any more and then quickly she turned her head the other way and smiled looking him in the eye. Raghav was on cloud nine. This was heaven he thought. He didn’t want this to stop, he noticed Ajay and Pooja dancing next to them. And he gave Ajay a thumbs up, he looked back at Anajali and saw a frown on her face. Her expression was that of concern she looked down at her feet for the next five minutes and avoided looking at Raghav in the eye again as if she was concealing something in her eyes. Rag’s was concerned and asked her if she would like a drink, “Yes, please, these stilts are killing my feet” Raghav led her out of the dance floor which was now full of 5 -6 couples all enjoying the party.
He led her to the bar and lowered the steel to let her sit. She climbed and sat. Raghav gave her stool a half turn towards the bar and sat at the stool next to her. He ordered two mocktails and waited for Anjali to break into a conversation, but she was busy looking far into the dancefloor. “ That was fun, what say?” Raghav managed to blurt at Anju. “Surely, you taught me well”
Raghav sipped his mocktail, thinking what to say next. He just managed to look at Anju, who again had a frown on her forehead, Anju looked quickly at Raghav “ Raghav, we need to understand that this is nothing, After our discussion in July, I couldn’t talk to you about this. But I wanted you to know that this was not possible, whatever we have is a special friendship, but we are killing it with naming it love. Coz I am damn sure that this is not. Im worried about how you are taking it Raghav, I feel I am only building on your feelings after all this dance and talk. The more we talk the more I feel I am playing with your feelings. Please try to understand that I don’t feel of you that way”
Raaghav, felt a tide of emotions flush his face, he felt his throat dry and his ear buzzing with some some hollow sound. He felt his heart ache again with a hollow feeling in his stomach. He could see his heaven crashing to earth, this was reality he needed to accept it. “ I know Anjali that this is not gonna happen, I know what you said in July and im not piling it in my heart. I know you need your space and you are sure of your feelings you are aren’t you?”
Anjali felt a nerve on the side of her forehead rise and twitch “Of course Rahav, im sure I cant love you, even If I try to make myself understand. You know about Param and all. I don’t have any love left in me, there is just nothing left inside this heart, its bled and gone. You should understand Raghav, I thought you would understand” She looked the other way a tear in her left eye dropped down. It was always so painful for her till today when she thought about love she always thought about Param, it had been 5 years since they last met, and they spoke casually a few times whenever she called him or met at a friends place during vacations in Meerut. Anjali was hurt by him, he never understood her love and never responded. She had this pain inside her that had grown and closed all ways to her heart. Raghav was trying to encroach her graveyard heart, it had only ugly skeletons waiting to jump out and scare him away, why didn’t he understand. She couldn’t lose a friend like him but she was wary she would hurt him more if she tried to build hope when she was sure she was still not over Param.
“I am sure, Raghav” Anjali managed, “But you are one of my closest friends, and I do miss you when you don’t call up and then I feel maybe its good for you, atleast you wont have to do with the pain later”
Raghav was aghast, he could feel his heart break into a thousand pieces. He felt his throat choke and eyes getting moist.
“Did you mangage to talk to Param?” Raghav said.
“No Rag’s, I told you I can feel it, he doesn’t love me, he runs away from me” said anjali with an edge in her voice.
“How will he know? Anju, guys are dumb, they don’t understand your actions mean something, say it to him, let him know, I know he will never let you go. He must be unaware of his own feelings”
“Now its been so long, and we don’t talk so much, once in a few months I call and he calls twice a year one on my bday and to wish happy new year, Raghav Im telling you he is not that kinda person, he is so focused on his studies, he is trying for MBA now. I don’t want to trouble him by my petty thoughts” said Anjali. Her eyes were wet now and she was gulping down her mocktail.
Raghav, felt a twitch of anger inside his head, “Anjali, why are you doing this to your life” Pleaded Rag’s. “ You will have to tell him, if you love him still, after all these years, you have to let him know or atleast express something, this is just not done yaar. You barely talk to him and you expect him to get an apparition from God to hell him that you love him”.
Anjali looked with wide eyes at Raghav, her mouth slightly open in astonishment, what had got into Rag’s, why was he shouting like this.
“Rag’s you don’t understand, I am a girl, I cant express first. I expect him to understand, if its destined to happen it will happen” Anjali said with an air of snubbing his anger.
“Anju, don’t get philosophical yaar. This is all bullshit, boys don’t understand sign languages and that too over the phone in this case” Raghav said, looking into her eyes trying to make her see his point of view.
“Raghav, this is enough, its my life. I don’t feel like discussing this now. Please.. I have stopped thinking about this I have left it to destiny. Time will tell me what to do. Right now I don’t feel like telling him anything. I don’t wanna lose the friendship between Param and Me. Please forget about all this. I don’t even have his number now for the last one year we haven’t spoken and he too has not tried to contact me. This proves that he doesn’t like me in the way I like him”
Raghav was astounded. He knew Anjali was stubborn, he thought of not perusing anymore but he resolved with all his will, with that sip of his strawberry mocktail that he was going to do something. He is not going to let Anju ruin her life, even though he loved her and she didn’t love him back. He wanted Anju to get her love. He didn’t want her to experience the pain, but nothing he said would convince her now. So he just skipped the topic and joined her in watching the other couples dance.
Raghav looked up from the carpet he was staring, he tea was over and Ajay was staring at him worried. Ajay was wondering if he had raised the wrong topic. Ajay spoke again hoping to get Raghav out of his trance “ Hey Rag’s, how far is the hotel, I don’t have the map, do you have the wedding card”
Raghav felt a jolt, but subconsciously he had picked up what Ajay said and replied “ Arre I don’t have it, remember I told you, I just got the email and the phone call from her saying that I have to be there. She had mailed the card to my parents place.”
Raghav got up and took the tea cups and the tray back to the kitchen. This feeling had to go… he was supposed to go for the wedding Anjali had pleaded and made him promise to come and he was regretting promising her with the filmy “Teri kasam, ill come” when she had insisted. Mayb she knew Raghav too well, knowing he was gonna have his uncanny mood swings. He was scared to face her today, he didn’t know how his face would conceal the unknown feelings when he finally saw her, dressed like the perfect bride. Well There was only one way to find out, “Ajay, lets leave or we will be late, as we don’t know the place we may need some spare time to find the location we can call Payal, im sure she must have reached there by now” said Raghav.
Payal was the few people who were close to Anjali apart from Raghav.
They rushed to the Car and Ajay stradled the drivers seat belt. It was pouring like hell, and the visibility was low. Ajay turned on the car radio and a nice song started to play and as they started of the dreaded location.
“So where is Payal these days. It seems you guys are in touch” asked Ajay.
Raghav thought back “Havent been in contact much, since the last one year but she had called last week confirming that she would be coming to the wedding and hoping to catch up with the whole group”
Raghav looked out of the window as the song playing increased in tempo and drowned the conversation into a musical hiatus. There was something about rain on the road that made it look mightier with all the mist forming over the water logged road.
Raghav’s thoughts went to the last time after Ajay’s cocktail party when raghav had called Payal for Priya’s number, Priya was Anju’s best friend from Meerut who was the only other person who knew Param and her story, as per Anjus confession. She may hold the clue to make them talk again, he had thought, after that party. He was not going to let Anju’s stubbornness destroy the chance they both may have. He must not be know her number now that she is in Chennai, and her number had changed. Payal had told him she had intently not given the number to Param, and was waiting for him to find out and call, if he really loved her. This was stupid he thought the ways these girls think. He had contacted Priya and had come to know that Param was in Meerut studying for his MBA entrance. He asked Priya to him Params Cell number. Priya had messaged him the number in two days thanks to common society and common friends. Now came the tought part Raghav didn’t know what to do and how to do it. He just knew that Param should call up Anju by some or the other reason. He knew from talks with Anju that how she and Param would joke about sunsigns.. Param was a Leo and she called him Sheru when they were talking during the pre college days. Raghav had thought for days and then he had got an idea. He had found a website on the net which allowed prank messages with anonymous names. He sent a few messages as zodiac forecast’s telling him what his day would. Each one he had carefully thought about. Some were like old school flame or friend is thinking about you, it would be good to give them a call. A common friend will help you find an old crush.
He was hoping this would trigger something somewhere. He was feeling dead guilty about playing cupid and manipulating things for good. Then he pacified himself that no one would find out and even if they did he was only trying to make him realize. He was amazed how selfless he felt about it, he actually prayed for Param to contact Anju. He wanted Anju to get her love even though it meant he would never get his. But he believed in the hindi film version of love and sacrifice for this short period though he had scoffed at its futility and idealism all his life upto now. He pondered Love really changes things.
Love makes a person do good deeds that makes him believe he is a good person.
He started feeling good again as the car zipped in the rain logged roads, he was smiling again thinking about how foolish he had been at that time, doing all this, it may seem wrong to some, silly to some, and maybe even dubious to others but after thinking about all this, he was feeling good about love after so many days. He wanted this feeling to stick he was on his way to meet his one and only love of his life, being a bride for someone other than him, and love alone had the power to make the worse situation seem like a walk in the park.
Story will be continued …and I promise it’s the last part.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Dear Friends, This is the second chapter of the story the Rainy day..the continuation. Please leave your valued comments.
Wearing the rarely worn suit on his shoulders. Raghav sat on his bed to wear his polished black leather shoes. He couldn’t for some reason concentrate. The noise of the rain was drowning him in thought. He thought of the first time he had realized that Anju was a special friend. Raghav had known Anjali, since the first day in college. They were in the same stream of Engineering and class. Through assignments they had grown to be budding friends with each other. Raghav started hanging together with this group of friends, and before he knew he had forgotten about all his pitysome worries about making new friends in a new place, that had haunted him during the first few weeks in college.
He and Anjali had clicked together from the first day itself. He found himself talking to her of his small worries, maths problems, Teacher bashing, self pity, etc..
One November morning, Raghav was hanging around the canteen with the Gang, and his eyes found Anjali, who was usually the life of the canteen lunch sessions, looking deep into her plate of dahi-wada and piercing it at one end and making it sail on the white ocean of curd. She smiled only when she heard some laughter around, but only at her now drowning wada. She looked up suddenly and caught Raghav’s eyes, he could see her eyes were reddish and moist. He felt that jerk under his navel, opened his mouth to ask something but thought better of it and put the morsel in his mouth and looked away, as if nothing happened. Anjali had realizes she had been caught and quickly started eating her sunken wada. She tried to avoid Raghav all day. Raghav finally saw her at the parking space, getting her scooty out. Raghav didn’t know what to do. He decided to act normally and approached her. “ Hi Anju, did you get that chemistry assignment done. Prof. Kadam is a hard nut, he is gonna check it tomorrow, and I haven’t started yet”. Anjali spoke with an unusually soft voice “ Hey Rag’s, hmm mine is half done, but cant get to complete it too.”
Raghav said “ If you finish it by evening, can you lend it to me. Ill just look and write my own, will save me from referring those heavy reff books”. Anjali didn’t smile nor did she agree “ Ok, see you in the evening then”. She revved up her bike and zip zapped.
Raghav was concerned, he had’nt seen Anjali like this. He looked at the gate, seeing her ride by it and kept staring, as if hoping to get an answer from the exhaust cloud she left behind, clouding his mind with some questions with no answers.
All day he was haunted by those moist, lost eyes, as if they were filled with some deep pain pleading to get out and scream, her rest of the face had an uncanny smile. He thought about Anjali, she was one of the decent looking girls, smartly dressed and always had a smile, her voice had a bubble and fizz that was missing for the last two days and today was the lowest of them all.
Late Evening he made up his mind and called her, half scared, half concerned “Hello” said a girls voice at the other end. Raghav barely recognized it “ Anjali???” he asked. “Who’s this?”. “Hey Anju, Rag’s here”.
“Oh Hi Raghav? Im sorry I didn’t finish that assignment. Have been busy with something else all evening”.
“Anju, do you need help, I can come over, you can help me write it. That Kadam will kill me”
“hmm… O.K. lets meet at the hostel reading room”.
“See you in 15 then Anju”
Raghav couldn’t get himself out of the concerned feeling. But while wearing his white sneakers, he tried to think that it must just be a bout of flu or some girly thing he couldn’t guess.
Raghav reached the reading room, which was empty. This was not the exam time and was not surprising. He cursed Kadam in his mind, he always starts these assignments so early in the term. Hmmf Wheres Anju? She must be on her way, usually on time she is.. but today must be an exception. Today Anju was not herself…
Suddenly he saw Anju coming in. She was casually dressed in blue collared Tee and below the knee jeans and a pair of slippers on. His heart sank looking at her face, it was worse, than he had imagined. Her fair skinned face was red around the eye, which looked puffy and definitely looked as if she was crying all evening. He hair were unkept, that made her look refreshingly different but for her red eyes. Raghav, raised himself just of his seat, to get her attention and waved. She gave the shortest smile possible. Raghav was now regretting calling her and forcing her to come. This seemed like he was the insensitive guy who just was concerned about the assignment.
Raghav made up his mind and asked “ Anju, you don’t seem well, your sure you wanna do this assignment. Im sorry for being selfish.”
As if out of sleep Anju startled and paused and then replied “ Raaag’s, cut it yaa. Im glad I came out of the room. I would be bored all day just sitting and …” She stopped abruptly.
Raghav waited for the silence to break, then awkwardly fumbled his bag for the topic. “Anju, just explain this pyrometric elements theory and applications. Ill pick one and we will discuss. Once I have some ideas to work on, ill scribble some thing and bring it tomorrow”
Anjali looked around and said “OK. Why don’t we sit on the porch behind the hall, in the open. This hall is too stuffy”
They walked around the porch to the roadside street light and the 2 feet wall which was well illuminated by the lights form the windows from the reading hall and the street light of the road. The air was breezy, Anjali was again lost somewhere far as they sat on the wall with the books in their hand. “Anju, Are you alright? You don’t seem well” said Raghav, bemused at his own evasiveness.
“ Rag’s its nothing.. just feeling a bit low” said Anju looking a bit flummoxed by the questions.
“Anju, you are not urself since morning. Whats the trouble? If you need to talk, im there. We know each other for months now, never seen you so low. Everything all right at home” said Raghav, searching for her eyes to meet his. She had been avoiding his eye.
Anjali, had always been comfortable around Raghav, and they had shared so much time. The thing that was troubling her was something that she had’nt said to anyone in her life except her best friend from her hometown, Meerut. She had’nt had any close friends in Pune, but she had made pretty good acquaintances and was having this good time. But Rags was different, he seemed to be genuinely decent and intelligent guy, a bit shy but very TLC kinda guy. But could she tell him what was troubling her, trust him, she knew she would feel better saying it to him. Rag’s wasn’t the guy who would judge or pass comments and try to help, he would understand. She had been in love since she was in 11 std with her school friend Param, her friendship with him, had been growing into new found feelings, she never new existed. They used to walk back from tuitions, pulling the bicycle’s with them, just to have some extra time to talk. They used to talk for hours when they would have the tuitions cancelled, time used to fly for Anju, and she found herself day dreaming and anticipating Param’s company. But everything changed after the 12th Std. She waited for Param to say goodbye before leaving for the hills to persue engineering, and she was going to Pune. She thought in her heart whether, he would tell his feelings, whether he felt the same way about moving away. Param, came to meet her and went on ranting about how he felt the new place would be, his excitement, his apprehensions, but never how he would miss her. Anju wanted to break down and confess her feelings in front of him, hold his hand never let him go. But Param for some reason, was so happy about staying alone and getting through to this prestigious college. That he couldn’t see her eyes getting moist and the lines on her forehead that were pleading him to stay a little longer, so that she could say all those things unsaid between them. But Param left in a jiffy and never called back, even when she was leaving meerut for Pune. Few days back she had called him, at his hostel, and he was surprised to hear her voice, and she could feel the distance in his voice. He mumbled something about classes and assignments and not finding time to call. Anju had broken down on the phone and let out her emotions by giving him a earful on what she felt. Surprising instead of feeling ashamed at not calling her Param had tried to defend and asked her to forget him as he would not want to answerable to her, and stop talking to him. Anju was heartbroken ever since this conversation, angry that she lost their friendship, by losing her balance and letting him know what she felt about him for him not calling her for all this time. All the pent up anger was taken out on him. Even after telling all this Param was unflumoxed and had requested her to not call. Did he hate her now? Did he know I loved him? Did he never love her?
Anju was lost in all these thoughts and had forgotten that Rag’s was sitting in front of her. She wanted this pain to go down to her grave, in secret. She didn’t want to share her tears with anyone. But then Raghav’s question was still hanging in the air. Everything all right? You don’t seem to be urself?
Anju had tears in her eyes this time rolling down her cheeks, she hadn’t noticed it until she felt something warm roll down her cheeks, she wiped in half way down. Raghav was shocked. He felt his insides clench, his heart sink, his throat getting dry and his feet shake. It was one of the saddest sights he had seen in his life. He felt his own throat forming a lump, Anju was hiding her face by looking the other way. Ragav opened his mouth to speak but managed nothing. He felt thirsty like a tired camel. “Anju, please tell me what happened? Maybe I can help?” he managed through an uncharacteristic squeaky voice.
Anju, through her wet eyes and sobs, told Raghav that she has been feeling a bit bad about how she treated a friend. She then explained the friend was Param and told him about how he had’nt called her and she felt he was moving away, and she felt sad about it. They were just very good friends but now suddenly she misses him a lot. “… I just cant help but miss him and feel bad about blaming him for not calling me, i should have been a friend and realized, he must be adjusting in a new place” she said and then her left eye had a stream of tears wash her cheek in barely dried lines.
Raghav had never been in a situation like this, where he had so many things happening to him, with the dry throat and forever clenched guts. He could feeling his eyes blurring, he couldn’t see Anju like this crying, thesituation and the story she told him, made him helpless. He couldn’t help her in this. It was this helplessness that made him so uneasy. If he could do anything to stop her cry, what should he say, he was himself, feeling like crying and screaming silently. “ Anju I can only say that, don’t blame yourself. It is not your fault , you should always say what you feel. You did nothing wrong and for gods sake don’t grill your self yaar. If Param is truly your friend he will understand and call back. I promise you he will. How can anyone be angry with you Anju? “ said Raghav. “ You, just don’t cry Anju, this will be all gone. It will be all right.” Anju turned to look at Raghav, his eyes were moist and red “ How can you tell? How can you be sure?” Raghav said “ Im sure Anju, Once he knows how much you love him, only a fool can not know, he will be coming for you and never leave you, he will know how lucky he is”. Anju, felt much better at this. Raghav words gave her a hope in this sinking ship and she clutched at it with life “ Promise, this will happen Raghav” Raghav felt a damp hand hold his open palm on his lap. Raghav clenched it hesitantly and reassuring clenched it saying “Promise, Anju, he will come back”. Anju managed a smile looking at Raghav smile with his moist eyes getting narrower at the corners. There was something in the smile that made Anju believe him and get all the worries thrown out of her. Her mood lifted and she noticed that they were holding hands. Feeling akward she quickly unclenched and removed her hands and caught the book on her lap. “Now lets get back to work”.
Then with an after thought added “Thanks, a lot Raghav” again just stealing a smiling glance.
Raghav, felt a feeling in his chest rise, spreading warmth on his clenched stomach and releasing all the tension and emotions he felt in the last half hour. He couldn’t help look at Anju, flipping through the page with a smile on her face. This was the greatest moment of satisfaction he had ever felt. This was the beginning of a special bond between the two that none could match.
Raghav found himself looking at his polished shoes, smiling. He must be looking stupid if someone just saw him with one sock on and a shoe in his hand and him smiling at his shoe, sitting on the bed’s edge. Hmmf. The smile would have to stick, he was visiting her on her wedding day.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Raghav was a little nervous checked himself in the mirror twice, he smiled his charming smile again to perfect it. His fancy dress shirt he had bought for the occasion was a snazzy grey shade, matching with the black pinstriped pants another new entrant in his wadrobe. He would be meeting many old friends today, it was Anjali’s wedding. A knot appeared in his stomach which eased to give way to those energetic butterlies. They were synonymos to Anjali, whenever he heard her name he got this sensation. He looked into his eyes in the mirror. Anjali, the girl he had never forgotton over the last 5 years, Hardly called or met, until he got an email usually a group forum mail he saw her name sometimes, saying she had got engaged to an IIM grad from Chennai, and the guy was a cool dude earning an obscene salary and was a handsome geek and she had got into the relationship as an arrangement, but was sure this was for real.
He looked into his eyes and smiled, He seemed to have that charm, but this eyes didn’t smile. He could see cheek lines getting deeper the teeth flashing from between his lips, the stretch in his jawline, his cheeks uplifting…but his eyes contracted but didn’t twinkle. Hmm pointless to try, the same has his slightly protruding belly, resulting of his sedentary lifestyle. His mind was flashing and his stomach was a series of knots. The Thunder outside was resounding, it was pouring heavily this July night. Heavily like the day, it had changed everything between Anjali and him.
On that July evening he called up anjali, to tell her he was meeting her for dinner today.
She sounded happy, Ragahav felt the knots in this stomach, but these were those of anticipation. They were filled with hope, not guilt or despair. This was love, the four letter word that meant the world to him then. Anjali was the friend, the support, the laughter, the blood in his viens, the flesh on his bones. The time he first saw her was not when he fell for her. It was not her first smile that meant the world to him. There were talks on the way back, there were notes exchanged, there were jokes and laughter shared, the accidental touch on her arm, the shyness to the coy glances. It grew but he never took though it was love, until she had left for home after the last day in college, way after he saw her in that sari at the farewell party. When he had asked her to dance and guided her across the floor, waltzing. Everytime it grew deeper into his soul. The eyes that smiled until they broke into that dimpled giggle. He could crack the weirdest jokes from the end of his wits to make her laugh, and watch her. And all this stopped when they had gone their own way, he to his nice job in Mumbai and she to her job in Chennai. That’s when Raghav yearned every day for seeing that smile, to feel his blood throb in his veins again, to make the stomach knot again in hope. It had all gone… in one sweeping stroke of time.
And this Rainy day Anjali was back to get the degree awarded in that black suit and that graduation hat. This was fun for the old gang of friends, there was so much to say, so much to party about, first salary, first day at work, bosses, colleagues..etc. But Raghav had his eyes on Anjali the whole time, he just wanted to see her smile, her hair blowing in the wind, her words, her lips. She was leaving tomorrow morning for Chennai. Today evening was gonna be his last chance to meet her. He wanted to tell her the way he felt about her. He was not at all sure whether Anjali, felt the same way. She was never the first one to call him after college got over when there were many uncomfortable day of killing silence between them. But maybe Anjali didn’t know about her feelings, he thought why not just tell her. His inward silence was saying that it woul ruin the friendship, and to give it time. This was not friendship this was something else and it was beautiful. He was waiting for her to come out from her friends place, on his scooter.
“Hey Hi, Rag’s” came a voice from behind, He turned back to see her standing behind him outside his house. “ Still have your moto-scooter, zip zap zoom, I miss these in Chennai, the company bus is oh so boring..”. She was looking amazing he thought in his mind, Wearing a yellow tee and blue jeans. He managed to say a customary hi and muttered the favourite café’s name they used to haunt during college as a group. His mind was preoccupied, should he tell, should he not. The struggle didn’t seem to go amiss with Anjali, “Rags, Whats the matter, something troubling you”. Raghav managed a shrug and Anjali pestered on. He pretended it was the helmet, and zipped through the country side road, the shortcut to the way.
The dark sky just got greyer and started thundering. He could feel Anjali flinch in the back seat and clutching his shoulder. And then it poured…heavily and steadily. The road was empty and a huge tree was situated near buy. Raghav rushed under It on his scooter and they got down. He had a look at anjali, she was drenched and so was he. These short and bursty rain clouds, just show no mercy. But Anjali seemed to be cool about it. “ This is so beautiful, the country road the greens everywhere. I really miss Pune” The saw some god sent rocks just under the tree and sat there. Anjali noticed Raghavs silence. “ Kya hua Rag’s, Please, something is not right with you”. Raghav looked sideways to her curious face. She was concerned, he could see her eyes though the wet hear hair stuck on her forehead. He could feel her arm leaning against his. He shifted his weight and looked the other way and said “Nothing Anjali, Just….”.
“Whats Just… Rag;s Tell me”
“ Anjali, kuch nahi, its just that Its too much for me…”
“Whats too much…”
“This Life”, he said, “Everything, its so fake, so pathetic, I just cant see how I can stay here without my friends, without you”. He hesitated and said, “ its just not the same, and I miss the times, remembering them, The place seems haunted with memories, this road, the café, the bench, this rain, everything seems to have this ghostly feeling, I just keep coming back to the past,….coming back to you” …”All of you” he added.
Anjali, was looking at his face, he wished she would look away, he was staring at the wet soil all this while the rain was getting harder and he had to shout to get her to hear him. His face was hot, his breath seemed short, like when he woke up from the nightmare’s he has repeatedly, invariabley starring Anjali.
Anjali spoke at last. “ Rag;s its not easy for all of us. This happens to everyone, people move away, but they are always friends, in the heart. We are always just a call away my friend. Comon, cheer up yaar. Its not all that bad.”
An explosion built up in his heart, went down his throat, But nothing could come out. The lump stayed in his throat and the eyes were turning moist. He thought it was best for this to pass. He kept staring at the leaf now soaked in droplets.
Anjali, reached for his hand, and held them, They had held hands only twice before.
They were comforting, he felt the lump dissolve and the words coming out.
He clutched her hand hard not to let her go and blurted out load “ I love you, Anju. I cant live without you. Please don’t leave me”. He looked into her eyes, pleading and begging. He had the look of a person asking the satan to trade his soul for one more day on earth to say goodbyes. He felt tears moistening and running down his cheek, just half way. As if by impulse he gets up and leaves her hand, stepping out of the tree umbrella, Standing in the rain. Anjali looked shell shocked. It didn’t matter what she thought now. He had said it and he knew he could only wait for his instinct or Anjali to guide him through this situation. The rain melted from his wet hair into his cheeks and disguised the feelings streaming from his eyes. Anjali got up, she knew he wasn’t kidding. She walked into the rain and stood beside him, They looked at each other together. Anjali had her eyes red, due to the rain water or something else, was not for Raghav to guess. “Since when?, how?....” Raghav said. “ I don’t know stupid, its been since any of the days we cared for each other, I cant point to a moment. But I know since you’ve gone I am not myself. Im missing me being with you. I was so much more when I was with you. I was not Raghav, I was your Rag’s. I Just know that I would love myself the way we were, carefree, caring, loving, mastikhor, everything…without you there is no Rag’s, no Raghav, Anjali, you complete me like no one does. Don’t you see what ive become.” Raghav couldn’t control the tears now. He cried as he spoke, and rain splattered on his head. The drops hit his heated head, hands his shirt with stinging force, like a thousand cold needles pricking slightly on the tip of the skin. Tingling and stinging… It had a calming effect and a kind-off stimulant to keep the words coming out.
Anjali, looked at this with tears in her eyes. She couldn’t feel them running down, they just joined the rain drops diluting the pain in her eyes. “Rags…” She managed with the same pleading tone Raghav had, when he had said I love you. “I don’t know…” she said.
“I don’t know either Anju, Its confusing for me too….but I know that I love you so much that there is not a single moment since the last 4 months that I have not thought about you, pictured you in my happiness, in my sorrow, spoken to my pillow thinking its you, waited for you call, a missed call, browsing through the albums, ive been crazy Anju, its not yours to know. Its mine… I just cant understand why this is happening now..and its just keeps coming back to one thing, I am just not me, when you are not around.”
Anjali said, “I don’t know if I have felt the same raghav, its not like that for me. Im busy with work, I miss you too, but not all the time, I miss all of us together. Do you thing you are sure…are you sure…its love…or friendship.”
“Friendship?...Anju, you think this is friendship…I have crossed all the boundaries of sanity..just to tell you all this….its insane in my head…like a hundred questions and just one answere that I love you…”
Anjali cried a bit loudly in reply.. “why is this happening Raghav?...why to us?”
Raghav” Anju, I don’t know, do you love someone, do you think this is friendship, and I may be wrong. Maybe I am missing the times of lifes. And wanna relive them, ive been through all this in my head but the answer is always more confusion”
Anjali cried “This may be the confusion, Rags.. I don’t think I will ever love again, ive lost everything once, I cant handle it again. I haven’t had the guts to share this with you or any of us..but my love is gone..He left and I never manged to get over him.I never even told him all this you told me. I wish I could, but I think its too late and im still not sure it was love” She sobbed with her head down. Rahav reached at her hand now sobbing loudly too.
They Clenched their hands tightly. Today was the first and last chapter of that love story. Raghav realized that she had the deep cut of her first love wound that she wouldn’t heal, and she never will feel about him like he did about her.
“Anju, we will be friends forever atleast. Please don’t go away. I promise I will never mention this day again..ill never tell you how much I love you …maybe you are right its better to be friends for now”
Anjali just cleched her hand tighter in answer.
The thunder jolder Raghav back into the mirror. His Tie knot was done nicely. He was gonna attend her wedding today. A friend that he loved, a friend who was more that a friend for him. And she had moved away slowly and the friendship stayed through the occasional emails. Hope this is not the end…..
Whats life without women? The “Woe’ to the ‘Men” in the world and some believe the thing that completes them ( and im sure they see the half full bucket of tears too). I remember discovering that there was a whole new species out there threatening the existence of my kind. When suddenly harmless white sheep in a herd, in the childhood herd and suddenly they are transfigured into a mutant species of yourself, with long hairless limbs. I call it the doom’s day to a man’s life.
But knowing the physicality was different was the easy part of them all, the problem came when you asked you mind what does this species want? And I am still asking myself this question since the Judgement Day and im still lost for the answer. The answer is still not taught in any education I received in the many schools I got my so IMPORTANT education, hoping in vane year after year. If you don’t count that ridiculously confusing presentation and slideshow they had in my final yr in high school, which left me so confused that I was relived I saw that movie some time later or I would have still been pondering over that text book chart showing a cross section of the body that you could not understand unless you had x ray vision or had a scapel friendly had ( Steady Surgeon). And this all just to make you understand that the two species are way different. He I learnt that playing doctor doctor with the mutant sheep when I was as little as 8 yr old. Hello Mr. Education Minister the most important education that matters a lot to a guy is to understand that grey matter of that seemingly harmless sheep that has some chemical locha or is made of some mutant virus disguised as a neuron in their brain.
We are sure the Defence minister knows about the Bio-Bomb that’s been thriving in your home. Ya dude look at your girlfriend, wife, sister, all of them. The neuron in their brain is having a mission statement, to confuse my harmless, hardworking brain cell into believing that he is a slave and must listen to that mutant virus that’s deadly and knows how to strangle you to make you feel retard and completely unworthy by its choicest abuses and high pitched fury of words, that make you run.
The whole reason for this biological weapon called women, is to search, train and enslave a man brain and use its superior quality thinking to believe that all he earns should be bestowed and presented to the weapon, so that it doesn’t leave you, cause that means ur the loser of the nth order. It’s a deadly combination of guile and disguised motives that all men know but are afraid to confess, coz these bio-bombs somehow know each other.
And if one x bio-bomb knows ur cheating and complaining about y bio bomb. She will send a secret ear to ear call through delirous channels and before you are aware in matter of a few phone company share spikes, you see that ur screwed man. And then you know the next time you speak a word even in ur deep sleep ur so gone man.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Like the grey covering, the sky so clear,
Like the clouds that the sun can’t drive,
I’m stumbling my way here, in cold fear.
Wishing you were here to break my fall,
Wish you were here, without my call,
I need to know that you are still there,
That you understand and really care.
Wish you hadn’t walked away,
Though I was a jerk every other day.
I know I was wrong in letting you go,
It would be so hard, I didn’t ever know.
I wish you could just look back at the times,
And remember me and smile sometimes,
Like I do, thinking of you in whatever I do
I swear this by God, this feeling was so true.
Wish you would just pick up the phone,
And not shut it hearing the stupid dialer tone.
For that’s where, I always hesitate and shut.
Not knowing whether the shackles are uncut
Blinded by this darkness, im crawling ahead
Hitting the wall, and falling on my head.
Bleeding and battered im finding my way through,
But all this while im just feeling for you.
Sometimes you make mistakes and go away from your close friends..blinded by your own ambitions, lifestyles, goals and most of the time ur self ego. When you realize the person you loved is not longer there becoz of ur petty fights..and its dark times again and ur crashed down to the earth...u see that its so dark without a hand to guide you through this..and you are left feeling for a hand to guide you through the times..you can pick up ur phone coz u cant say sorry..ur just there waiting for a hand to guide your through the darkness...
Wish I could cry, in your arms someday.
But then I wish I could simply quit to try,
I have this disease growing in me,
Parasitic, clutching, its hard to let free.
I wish I could sleep, I wish I could dream
You appear in my mind, as soon as I sleep.
Waking with a jolt, and sighing in relief.
Wish you’d leave me to die in my grief.
Wish I could just forget those times,
Wish I could just erase those rhymes.
I suffer from amnesia of a rare kind,
My happiness gets just too hard to find.
I wish I could just meet you some day,
Before I sleep for a final time,
And then I could ask you forgiveness again,
For I cant escape, the ghastly crime.
But then I wish, I could live again,
Rise from the ashes, like the phoenix does.
And then I forget this stinging pain.
Cleansing my soul, free from all the stain.
I Could have changed a lot of ways,
I could have skipped a lot of days,
I will try to reshape them someday,
Mould them again in time’s clay.
I Wish I could sleep again peacefully,
Without your swollen eyes staring at me.
I wish you would dream again truly,
And then just lift the door and set me free
You are sometimes trapped in a cage of your bad decisions..and conflicts.. its so bad that it haunts you.. the hurt that you caused to a person that you love, is sometimes so overpowering on you when you realize you were wrong and cant undo the damage done on everyone..you, your neighbors, friends, the person you hurt my heal and move..but the guilt that remains in ur mind can sometimes eat your soul. The best thing to do is to ask for forgiveness and learn from your mistakes.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Sailed a large, sailing where the waves tend.
The captain and 9 sailors, forever steered.
To reach a destination, that never neared.
The captain was an intelligent lad,
But this was the first ship he had,
The deputy was new too,
But both weren’t out of the blue.
The Captain had his lady in mind,
After this journey he was to bind,
In the holy tryst of destiny,
He couldn’t get at all finicky.
The deputy was a new customer,
Didn’t know the size of his own shoe,
Treaded a bit faster, pushing too hard,
Wanting to earn some earnest regard.
The Three friends were always hung there,
They always offered to watch and steer,
But Thinny, Humty and Perfecto were bored,
Of doing cheap labor and staying up late aboard.
One funny guy name the SAM of the ship,
Happily everyone just gave him the slip
As he had the strange habit of poking his nose,
Irritating like the deck rats, outta their burrows.
The others too had to endure this way
As they had very little they could say,
The newbies in the block, just followed the Sir
Sometimes laughing out their canned anger.
But friends let me tell you what happened later,
The ship got attacked by an invisible stranger.
The captains hand-clock started spinning around.
The times were turning without a sound.
Suddenly the storm had struck the sea,
And the ship were sailing on its belly,
Twisting and turning it would just rock,
The captain and deputy were in a shock.
SAM sniggered and complained aloud,
The ship was covered with a dark cloud.
Then everyone could just hard work their way
To save themselves and keep the winds at bay.
The captain was confused the deputy was sad,
All this work had to turn so bad,
Perfecto pleaded that he wants to go home,
But all just worked, till the sun shone.
The crew then asked why they couldn’t withstand
A simple storm that was never planned,
Then it struck them that they weren’t at fault
Someone else had locked them in this vault.
The person unseen, who build the ship,
Who sold the shit, and sent us to hardship.
He didn’t know that the times can turn,
That with a small match a house can burn.
The crew of the captain and his 9 men cried,
That thug had caught us in his miss- design,
They were at sea now, what use to complain,
Why do they waste their energies crying in vain.
They collected and fought the time and tide,
They had to catch up with it, for it wont reside,
They vowed as they reached the shore that day.
They will not be a putty or someone’s clay.
The moral of the story here my friend,
On some people, you are forced to depend.
And if he is the one who sent you on this painful trip,
Pray that he will finally learn to build a ship.
Monday, April 20, 2009
The tears have long dried, and the wrinkles still remain.
The heart that bled has healed, but the scars still remain.
Your memories are etched in stone, I'm not hiding them anymore.
Hoping that your future has all the worlds’ happiness in store.
Unlike dusty shooting star that falls from the sky
I don’t think I ever even wished you goodbye.
I hope that you get the love that never stayed with me.
I wish you are happy more than one could ever be.
I know some say, that I never moved on.
I just kept you in my heart like a throbbing thorn.
And with the numbing pain, I burry the love alive.
Then to love someone again, I did always strive.
We haven’t spoken for years, so you’d be pleased to know,
Its long since ive thought of you, I think I have finally let you go.
Ive loved again and fallen at times, I never missed you then.
But then why did i always search for you in every other person?
As you walk the altar today, id be watching you with a smile
For I want to thank you today, for many a million times.
For giving me my first love and moments that will last awhile.
Ill pray that you get all this and more, while the bells chime.
But when im old with dickering knobby knees,
Id remember the moments smiling in their gentle breeze,
That’s when I would rebuild these castles of memory.
Which were washed way in the sandy beach of our history.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I was running late, returning home at horrifying timings like 9.00 pm ( the work getting stressful as ever). As the train galloped on its iron rod roads, my eyes staring at the nothings of the dark night, watching the flashes of street lights and occasional slum bulbs whizzing past my eyes.I felt my tiredness in my body and eyes; I thought how energetic and proactive I used to be. The past started whizzing in those lights passing by, and from the dark unknown rose somethings I never knew I remembered.
I didn’t know how lonely and sad It felt sitting here, it was like im some unknown face in this alien place, and im moving towards an unknown destination, almost like this is where I am the lonely tired, moody fat guy. Where are the rest of the positive moments? Have they lost?
Invariably I’m thinking when was it when I enjoyed the most? That was surely the farthest from today, my childhood, during my school days, the happy years. Was it when I reached home from school, seeing my mom waiting at the bus top to pick me up?, or when I was older and won the fancy dress as a wait lifter or when I read my first poem to the class, and it got published in the school calendar. When my teacher awarded me the first merits, or when my favorite teacher gave me a chocolate for some silly answer. All these moments made me smile and I realized that I was looking so foolish smiling in the local train at no one at something. It looks like I am some retarded, wonked guy. I looked around sheepishly to see if someone noticed, and saw that at the adjacent seat on the other side of the aisle, a young couple ( must be 30’s) smiling and laughing at each other, I involuntarily smiled at them, even seeing people in love, makes you happy, imagine being in love.
I don’t have to go there again I thought, let’s see, my first crush in school, hmm many heart aches, when you didn’t know that there was such a pain inside you, that you long for and then can’t stand. It’s like some kind of feeling that will confuse a hormonal exploding teen to feel as a Mount Fiji full of lava, morphed of arsenal and ammunition to fight the world alone. It gives you the power to feel, that you could do anything to be with her for a few moments. I enjoy remembering the fool hardy things I did for my crush. Just that she should even notice me in school and how I just wrote poems and diaries about her beauty and her smile and her weird “girls rest room- gang” friends, my anxiousness that would I ever be able to live without seeing her, searching for her frantically before classes, during lunch and after school. Just to pass by her class and using the other boys room, and risk peeping into the class. I never did anything dare devilry like writing a note and giving a sly open hello or meeting her alone, or actually gifting her something. Though I wanted to gift her myself J , as if I was some treasure she would love to have and keep in her almost as heavy school bag. But that was because I didn’t have any money on me, the times when I spoke to her got my heart racing and my through dry enough to bleed if I spoke,
I just couldn’t open my mouth. I remember I had enrolled in a play where she was also a part and I thought God has given my chance to show her what I really am ( smuggishly). But my first dialogue with her ( she was ghandijis, phoren journalist, meera ..and I was a harijan at bapus bhavan) I was a small part and was put only because I could sing and would be singing Bapus favorite bhajan vaishov vajan to. I had to tell her to join us for the bhajan, and during the first rehearsal I cracked my voice ( the developing boys voice was a factor), the second time I shouted my dialogue as if it was a seed spitting out, so fast that I was nearly thrown out by my teacher. I finally got my pride back by staring at her shoes and delivering my dialogue as if it were a shameful thing to sing the bhajan.
Later I remember how I used to almost jump with excitement, when she noticed me and smiled a friendly hello. I had weaved all kinds of king queen stories about her and me. I was an imaginative fellow then, but when it was mixed with optimism ( fired by my friends teasing me with her). I had the courage to give her all my coupons ( some 150) which I had begged my parents to buy to play in the school carnival (fete). I would have happily given my bicycle if she had just mentioned. I remember the school carnival, when me and my friends had planned to win all the GI joe action figures and actually analysed our chances of winning them as 99 of 100 and then I didn’t have a single ticket to play. My friends actually teased me by winning some whistles they won. That’s when I wanted to ask her if she cud lend me a 5 rupee coupan for a lucky dip where everyone gets a whistle or a mask.
But then I didn’t manage to and was left sitting in one corner watching everyone with jealousy, but when I saw my girl winning a big teddy on my coupons, I remember being the happiest of all times of my then and probably this nano lifetime. That’s when i understood sacrifice is love.
All these episodes are so much of innocence and some kind of love that I have lost in my life today,
Don’t know about my future, but my past will always stay there to remind me that the trains never gonna reach your destination, wake up and get down of this speeding, hurling roller coaster train and enjoy the “keeps you smiling” things in life.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Wondering whether he realized, how much he outshone.
The tiny million stars that shine, look the other way,
But the moon doesn’t care, still rises at the end of the day.
I wonder how I could be so selfless, so giving?
How could I foresee this life, worth this living?
I look back for the day, this quarter life gone.
Realizing that I spent it, only judging right and wrong.
But somewhere I forgot the wrong I never knew.
That I would be judging it, from the only good I view.
Somewhere I would fall, forbidden then I will fail,
Like pulling out from the toe, one bleeding sharp nail.
I remember the day, I stuck that nail in my shoe.
Reminded me everyday, as if I never knew,
Thought I would please someone I care,
For those bleeding tears I couldn’t ever bare.
I knew I would have to limp the whole way,
I would have to trudge till I knew my way.
But I was selfish unlike that damn goody moon,
I mistook the fireflies to be the mighty noon.
I blundered; I regretted then looked to the sky.
I screamed at the mountains to crush me to die.
I stared at the deepest ocean, and the highest tree,
But I couldn’t find the void that could fill, filthy me.
I then looked again to the sky, the night moon that shines.
The moon looked at me to say, don’t love yourself for it blinds.
Stay selfless and pity none, just pray for being the chose one.
For one day you will be a star, and then you will not have to run.
I’m waiting for the day, the day I would be set free.
Free from the pain, I can no longer feel.
For the nail, is hammered deep in my heart.
But now I know, I was chosen for this part.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Thats the buzz around these days..What does one make of it. Especially a guy who is gonna vote for the first time even though he turned eighteen half a decade back. Hmm.. I love to discuss politics, makes me look cool and knowledgable. Having an opinion about how you want your future to be is a concept concieved as the smallest embryo in the womb of the political seed of india, also called as the great democracy. I remember the constituency of India with its famous 4 pillars of Ambedkar. I dont remember them now, but one does get a wee bit confused when you picture the 9.00 pm news on DD1 you used to watch with Dad to just feel like an adult, where they flashed a picture of the parliament with its many pillars, all white in splendid beauty. In some sense like the Taj Mahal, the white marbeled symbol of love, only this time it was the symbol of democracy.
Democracy was an idelistic word for me then, the cliched phrase "India is the worlds BIGGEST Democracy". As a kid i remember my pride, my patriotism, my love for my country. I still feel the same when i sing the National Anthem when i go to watch a movie at a multiplex. Only to hear someone so hieneously mispronounce and murder the anthem's sentimental lyrics. But i dont blame them, its not even in the national language, its Sanskrit, I havent learnt sanskrit in this quater life of mine. I bet 90% of India doesnt know what they are saying when they sing the Anthem.
Deviating back to the many pillars of Democracratic Parliamet that i now understand, are not the same like the Taj Mahals, Char Minars. I think the four pillars of poor Ambedkar's Consitution is lost somewhere. All i can see is the many pillars of Corruption, Taxation, Communalism, Extremism, Psuedo Secularism, Gandhis walking stick, Sardars blood stained Stick and many more.
I have opinions about parties, I have debates about their Ideologies, I believe some, I get influenced by some, But there is not a single party that has captured my imagination of India, as she is in my mind, and im sure of many my age. We are a developing nation and need all the support and planning necessary to tackle its multifold problems. Problems that are staring on our face and we chose to ignore it. Everyone is dividing the voters and making them blinded with faith or emotion. The plan that has been common for all the parties participating ( and that a big plus) that they all believe in the Divide and Rule policy. All of them are banking on numbers, Numbers from Vote banks, Its a number game that even the smartest CA of our country cant solve. Its a great study of logistics, surveyance, emotions, religion, region, language and all these factors. Factor all these together in an impossible formula and you will be uncoding the unfathamable answer to winning an election in India.
Why cant elections be on the future of india than the past? Why does it have to be about dividing people than to unite?
I hope one day the future generation of my homeland will be able to vote for everything i cant today.
Do cast your vote.
Friday, February 06, 2009
At peace with life, They walked,
All the roads, that were marked,
Chosing not to enter the woods,
Aware of the army in hoods,
Hiding in the woods were they,
Crouching with their daggers at bay,
On the path they wanted me to stay,
To sleep at night, to walk in the day.
Then one night when all were asleep,
The dark knights, out they creep,
The go ahead and block the road,
Leaving the morning dark and cold,
Then suddenly the sun never shone,
They had captured the golden throne,
All the earned Gold turned to stone,
They Weak turned to skin and bone.
The People were hungry they were torn,
They were beaten and were red and sore.
All was gone, there was no hope,
The road was blocked, who could cope?
Days of drudgery passed by,
Sounds of wails filled the sky.
The Brave but cared not to cry.
They were to battle and instead die.
The Brave and Valiant ventured,
When the wails turned to snore’s
The stuck their foot into the closing door.
Not know what was in store.
They Ventured and saw a Hooded figure,
They were shaking with a sly snigger,
Then the brave, pierced a spear,
Picked the hood to see what’s there.
Underneath what was, shocked them,
They were Foxes, with sly smiles,
Unlike dogs, unfaithful in guile.
They were chased for a hundred mile.
Fear of the unknown is what’s there,
Unhood the fear and then what’s the care,
The enemy will be stripped and bare.
But only for those who will venture and dare.
The sun will rise again when its gone,
They may be foxes, snakes or hogs,
Those who venture, will alone gain,
Others will hide and scare in vane.
So said the monk, who sat on the peak,
Luck favors those who will seek,
You can cross the river, ocean or creek,
But only to those who are not meek.
I wanted to go there, I wanted to step there,
I wanted everything now, everything that’s everywhere.
I took some from my wallet, some from my Dad
When that was not enough I took some from whoever had.
I greed my self to utter loathe and despair.
Others would just open their mouth and stare.
Then I lost one from my pocket, one from the jacket.
One from the bag and then I still bragged.
I Knew I was loosing them, I chose to ignore.
I kept losing one more, until there were no more.
And when time came to count them all,
I learnt that I had not earned them at all.
They were more than material someone said.
They are more than your daily bread.
They are what God gives you for your good deeds.
They are equal to family and come in need.
They catch you when you fall,
They pick you when you drop,
They push you when you stop,
The lift you when you, crawl.
They are earned not bought,
Earning nothing, I lost Everything else.
Couldn’t keep them safe, till the end.
They are my angels, They were my friends.
There are times when you realize that someone you had taken for granted has left you, and is long gone, someone you were close, and then you recount you blessings, and then you find you have lost them, as time passed and you changed...this poem is for those moments...i wish no one goes through this...its as painful as you could ever imagine....