Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Lyrics of way back into love

I've been living with a shadow overhead. I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed I've been lonely for so long Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away Just in case I ever need em again someday I've been setting aside time To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love I can't make it through without a way back into love Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine I've been searching but I just don't see the signs I know that it's out there There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love I can't make it through without a way back into love And if I open my heart again I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real Or if anybody feels the way I feel I need inspiration Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love I can't make it through without a way back into love And if I open my heart to you I'm hoping you'll show me what to do And if you help me to start again You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Way back into love

Just used #SoundHound to find Way Back into Love by Hugh Grant #nowplaying

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Living in a shell

Watching the world go by in ultra slow motion, I can see the same faces, the same things, the same tasks, the same room, the same road… and I wonder am I living or am I just getting by doing the chores. I meet new people, I smile and talk but no one feels like my own or someone I can trust to wrench my heart open and see the ugliness beneath the glorious facade. Is it that the world is suddenly bad, or is it that I have seen so much that I have become cynical about trusting someone or  do I believe that its me alone who will have to deal with my problems? Is it the baggage of my experiences or my own self made walls that I just can’t seem to make a connection, old or new, that’s as carefree and giving like I did half a decade ago. Everyday I  see people smiling at me, I can see people asking me “how are you today?” and every time I just answer what they want to hear.
Friends and family are there around and some are far, but I prefer to laugh with them but when I cry, it’s alone. I always answer just what they want to hear.

On second thoughts its not that they are not trust worthy. No, they are dependable and great and rare gems that I treasure, but still I don’t wanna open my heart coz I simply can’t wrench the damn thing open. Don’t get me wrong, I would trust my friends with my life and stand by them in thick and thin. Its me I don’t trust any longer. I feel I have hidden so much beneath those smiles that faking them, has become a habit. Those rare times I have opened up, I feel judged for what I feel, or  what I do and what I should have done. I can’t stand their stares of enquiry and pity or words some too preachy some just ignorant. Id rather just make them smile, id rather just give them one less pain to think about. Because after all its me alone that has to find a way out of this trench.

But this has been not because we are not close anymore, my and my friends that is. Its just that everyone has a life of their own now. Someone is studying at a far off place, some one is on the other side of the globe making a life away from drudgery into their happiness. Someone is enjoying companionship and someone is just like me drifting on… watching the world go by ultra slow motion…the same replays almost everyday and not a true smile to share, let alone a true disappointment. Suddenly people have stopped reaching out to me and ive stopped reaching out to them. I have a strong feeling its to do with lies and walls that we built around ourselves when we feel alone.

I feel shutting my self out is not out of choice, its just happened, I have just moved into my own cocoon where I feel safe from all the pain of the harsh winter, that I may not stand to feel once again. I hope one day this catapillar does grow into a butterfly and join in the merry world at the high speed that it seems to be moving in. where everything seems new, every feeling is that equals to flying with open arms as your wings, and I soar once with a smiling face, a kindled dream in the eye, a heart of joy beneath a happy place. And where I’m not lonely anymore and can feel an arm reaching out to me and holding my hand flying around at such a height, near the clouds and there when everyone looks up at us, its we who will be flying in ultra slow motion.. I can sleep without turning endlessly in my bed, I can wake up with a silly smile instead.

I can see im getting in the limerick mode again and just harping and meandering between topics and contradicting myself above. So I prefer to stop… lets see if I can get the Poetry mode again…after such a long long time J

As I think of all the years gone by
And the dreams that couldn’t mend
I try to imagine where and when
This stony trails comes to an end

Do I have to stand all alone
As I face every single day
And think of all the time that’s flown
And think of an alternate way

There was a time of hopeful dreams
And joy came with each day
And though it was years ago
It seems a lifetime away

I do not know where that ‘ME’ went
Reflected truth with this sight
And a spirit that would never dent
And slept with peace each and every night

But years by, I look at me now
The oyster in its shell
And failing to open it again
I found another kind of Hell

Every night I lie, in my bed alone
And I rise each day the same
I have no one that seems so close
To reignite my dying flame

I walk the days with a painted smile
And I feign a happy heart
And someone asks “Friend, how are you?”
I don’t thing, just gladly play the part

And deep inside Im so alone
And though surrounded by my friends
I have an empty, Void inside
And the bottom never ends

My friends are great, I love them all
And I know that they mean well
But when they say, “Friend, how are you?”
I don’t want me to tell

For as long as I Say all is fine
Then they don’t have to deal
With the emptiness, With the loneliness
That Everyday I sometimes feel

I hope I don’t be someone else
Someone who shows emptiness
The then my fake happy eyes,
Will be replaced by ones of bitterness

For there’s so much love Inside of me
I have so much to give,
But shattered dreams and broken hearts
Give me so little to live

Yet I live on, Despite the pain
Though no one can understand
I fake a smile, While deep inside
Im a hurt and broken man

But perhaps one day, When I trust again
And can believe that all be fine
I’ll put aside the pain, And be allowed to feel
A new found joy, and the spirit shine

And the heart will trust again that day
The world will spin around
With all the hurt and pain at bay
Chirping birds Oh what a happy sound

Getting wings we soar high
And share all the joy that’s waiting
And never return to this lonely place
And start a new life, with caring

P.S... ya so thats it.... but i dont know if i know what i have written ... is feel this post is too random and contradictory... hmm just about time to sleep :)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Greatest Gift - From the Bible

The Greates Gift- From the Bible ( parts of this verse is used in the movie a Walk to Remember- one of my fav movies of all time)

1 Corinthians 13

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, it profits me nothing.

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

The Rainy Day - Final part

Raghav was staring outside the car’s window; he saw the street light reflections on the puddles along the sidewalk. The reflection was all blurred by the big raindrops. Ajay was talking something about the chocked rainwater drains and the effect of incessant rain on his new Hush Puppies shoes, but his voice was blurred like the reflections he saw so keenly whooshing past them as they drove down towards the wedding. No matter how hard he thought of something else, how hard he stared at the puddles, the restlessness wouldn’t go. He was half planning to give the wedding a skip. But then Priya would be nuts and he owes her a big thank you for finding Param’s number and helping him out with setting the whole scene between Anju, his love and her only love Param. Also Ajay would get angry on him and he didn’t have a good story to come up with so late, that was convincing enough to let him go without Raghav.

They were driving for around 30 minutes when Ajay asked Raghav whether it was time to call Payal and ask for the exact turn from the highway to reach the Hotel Lawns. Raghav searched for payal in his address book and dialed her number. She answered with a lot of noise in the background.

“ Hey Payal, Raghav here”

“Hey Raghav, whats up maan, long time, where are you? Everyones here”

“Arre Payal, we don’t know the way there, we didn’t look at the map behind the card, we are approaching the shell petrol pump on BL road, where is this Grandeur Lake Hotel”

Payal gave the instructions turn by turn which Raghav spoke aloud for Ajay. Ajay gave a thumbs up and a Thank you to Payal over the Car’s Radio for her to hear over the phone.

Within 5 minutes they were parking in the parking LOT and then walked towards the lobby entrance. A Black checked board with stickem letters in white pronounced “ Bhardwaaj and Singh families welcome you to Reception and wedding of Anjali (Anju) and Sunny.

Ajay laughed, “His name is Sunny Singh, I think the rain gods won over the Sun today”. “Uggghh.. Ajay please that was a sick joke” said Raghav with a wry Smile. “At least you smiled, meri jaan. Come lets go in. Get your ladies magnet out Raghav you’re still single and ready to mingle”.

Raghav smiled. Yeah, heck he was single then why didn’t he hook up with the many female friends and aquantances he had for the past 3 years ever since he left college. He just didn’t feel the need to have someone, to fall in love again. That’s bullshit he thought, I can love again and I will.

He then saw a lovely lady dressed in pink Indian attire, smile at him, he smiled back only to see her walking briskly towards him. He was taken aback. Only when she reached near did he realize it was … “Payal!!! Oh my God, is that you” said Ajay before Raghav could say anything. Payal came across as a tomboy in college and seeing her all decked up in a gorgeous lehenga was a pleasant surprise.

“So you guys found it here finally, Raghav your looking great. Long time yaar ..almost two years!!, How have you been??”

“Fine and you have grown to be a pretty girly since then.. I didn’t recognize you at all” said Raghav.

The Three of them took a table nearby and chatted and caught up with what was happening with who stuff. It was great to go back in time. But even this chat wasn’t keeping Raghav busy. He kept peering at the stage there was no sign of the bride and the groom. Payal caught him craning his neck and looking around. “The wedding is after the Dinner.The groom is yet to arrive. Its fashionable to arrive late for Punjabis- Its baraat time in the rain. I don’t know what’s keeping them they cant even dance in the rain. I hear they are having the baraat conjuncture at the other hotel down the lane in their covered lawn because they cant dance in the rain here… he he”

Ajay and Raghav sniggered. Ajay hesitantly asked in the most casual manner he could “Where is Anjali then” Payal looked at him and said “Getting ready at her Room in the hotel, upstairs, I was there sometime back. She looks gorgeous. Priya has come all the way from Meerut to be here. You never met her na?” Ajay thought how could he forget her “No” he said simply.

He and Priya had the Param secret that wasn’t known to anyone. But it was so long back that he didn’t know if it really made a difference, the childish things about getting Anju and Param together was so laughable now that she was getting married. Love seemed to a thing that you read in novels and fantasized in your adolescence. When it comes to getting tied for life, perhaps things turn out from above.

“So you’ve met the groom?” asked Ajay, Raghav woke up from stupor. This topic was somehow interesting to him. Raghav didn’t know anything about Sunny Singh. “Sunny , is that his real name?” Ajay always had this sense of humor that was always a bit off the target and that made the foot in the mouth situation very amusing, only Ajay was so innocent to his brand of humor, he didn’t know the inside smiles that Payal had on her face. “I know his name is not Sunny, it is some Big Punjabi name but you know Punjabi Pet names stick on more than their real names, why do they keep such large names and then substitute with a small embarrassing pet name which sticks on like embarrassing stickems on your behind, But ya he is a smart Guy and has an IIM, MBA a hi-paying marketing professional in an MNC.”

“So, it’s a Love marriage or Arranged?” Ajay was asking all the questions Raghav wanted to, but was too shy to ask going by their past history and attached baggage. “Its Love and Arranged, that’s the exact words from Anjali when I asked her, and she was really gushing and pink when I asked her, They seem to be in Love, but that was 2 months back, yesterday Anjali was a bit low ,coz she is leaving everything behind. I will miss her, we all had such a memorable time in college” said Payal, choking a little bit..

Women always get too emotional during weddings, thought Ajay and kept his questions to himself. Raghav was deep in thought in a whirlwind of emotions, one moment thinking happy imagining Anju in love and blushing and happy, on the other had he felt bad and felt a twist in his heart, that formed a lump in his throat feeling that this wasn’t for him and how much he missed her every moment. The last 2 years had been a time passed getting busy with work and getting involved in something that would get his mind away from her or calling her. He had thought that feeling had been washed forever with so much water being passed under the bridge. But he realized today that a part of him had never healed and was just hidden in a blanket of mist and clouds but on this rainy day and the clouds had cleared to show the wounds were still red, and the moon was still blue. He felt his eyes well up and he kept staring at the ground. This was the hardest time, he could here Ajay talking to Payal and was glad they didn’t notice him, he looked up and around for the washroom, the posh hotel must have one nearby he thought. “ Ajay, Payal, I’ll be back from the washroom” he muttered and without waiting for a reply swirled and left towards the entrance of the hall, he remembered they had a sign there.

Blurry eyed and his head aching with the effort of staying sane and smiling over the turmoil inside, he stumbled inside the mens washroom and leaned into the wash basin, feeling as if he was gonna be sick. He looked into the mirror, into his own eyes and saw the despair staring back at him, he felt so helpless he wanted to cry, but anyone would walk over him here, he tried to take deep breathes to compose himself. He couldn’t look into his eyes in the mirror for long, he felt this yearning feeling inside and he wanted to cry out loud or atleast get out of here, what was he thinking, this wasn’t a joke, to come to Anjus’s wedding, This was Anju, his only love, his life, this was worse than anything he had ever experienced.

There was only one way to douse this fire of emotions without getting burnt,in this. He thought get the hell out of here. Then he washed his face, wiped it, didn’t look at himself, in self pity in the mirror and walked out. There was a lot of hustle outside, people had crowded the lobby and there was noise of the band playing dance baraat music. Young girls giggling and running and standing on their toes and whispering, all excited. Raghav guessed it before he heard Payal snoop in from behind and say “ The Baraat is here, we are going to welcome it”. Ajay, smacked his back and grinned. “This is fun!!”.

Raghav, stepped out to the verandah of the hotel there was a sea of relatives of the bride with flower garlands waiting to welcome the groom and his relatives. A small girl came upto them and tugged at his knees, Raghav, stooped down and smiled at her, she gave her a garland. Raghav took it, now was he supposed to welcome the baraat of his Anju, he couldn’t feel more weird, he tried to get into the conversation between Payal and Ajay but he kept zoning out into a trance of his mood swings and pangs. It was surreal, standing there, not that he had ever imagined himself to be the groom and swoop Anjali in a wedding. Guys hardly dream of the wedding day, that’s the brides dream. She dreams of this day and whom had Anjali imagined under the veil of flowers on the horse coming to get her into his own dreamland and live happily ever after, the eternal fairytale, that was a gleam in the eye for every girl.

Raghav was now on the enterance of the hotel and could hear the loud band belting out at a crescendo now. And the baraat had gone crazy, dancing more vigourously into a sweat. They were showing off their best moves, to the ladki waalas. He could here “Jijaji aagaye” from the giggling cousins of Anjali, they were genuinely enjoying and tapping their high heels to the music and clapping. Raghav peered at the groom, he couldn’t make out the face from the veil but he could make out that he was well built and had a decent height, he subconsciously felt his hint of pouch and lack of height was overwhelming. He just wanted to get out of here. Payal tugged at this arm and pointed to the hotel building behind on the second floor, at the balcony.

Its then that he saw her, looking down at her groom to be. He was seeing Anju after around 2 years and this was a happy moment for him. Raghav couldn’t help but leave the site of the baraat take a turn and stare up at the bride, his Anju. He had imagined seeing her with her to be groom but now he was seeing her looking on the balcony on a moon lit, cloudy night, the rain had just stopped momentarily and had started to drizzle a little. He had to grouch his face into a frown to avoid the occasional droplet from entering his eyes. Anju had another girl standing next to her. No one had noticed her standing there except Payal who was back to craning her neck and wait for the groom to descend down his high horse.

That’s when there was lightening nearby and he could see her face illuminated from her half ghoonghat, at that moment, with the dramatic sound their eyes met. Anjali had a resolute look of recognition and half surprise, for the first second then it turned into a glaze and then into a half frown half pained look. Raghav couldn’t comprehend her feelings anymore but could see it mirror his own, it was like looking to the mirror without self pity with everything clear, a feeling that only friends that had nothing to hide from each other had.. the rain started pouring heavily and she didn’t move nor did Raghav they kept staring for 3-4 seconds when another lightning and roar from the skies and pushes from people running back to shelter of the porch made him lose her . When he looked back up he saw the French window empty and the curtains drawn. Was that a dream? Raghav wondered the last 10 seconds seemed to go in such a slow motion he thought of so much unsaid between them and yet he felt as if he had the best conversation with his best friend. For a moment he forgot this was not the place, this was not college when they were best friends, this was a wedding with a 200 people waiting to bless anjali and sunny.

Raghav didn’t move to the porch, he was getting wet and was waiting for the curtains to draw, as if he were watching a play and this was an interval, He realized that people were looking at him from the porch, and then he realized they were actually still just looking at the grooms family from the porch across the road and didn’t notice him at all.. thankfully. Feeling akward he walked back to the porch. Ajay was not seen anywhere and so was Payal. He didn’t bother to look. He was beginning to feel guilty about the happiness inside, this was not right you are suppose to move on, he said to himself. He forced out thoughts but they like the sand in your clenched fist kept pouring back out of the mind polluting your thoughts with unworthy and unnecessary emotions. Raghav was in a fight with his mind to leave. But he wanted to wish Anjali goodbye and good luck. That was the least he could do to bury the thoughts fleecing his mind, like a pest… he decided to stay and resolved not to let any crazy unreal thought’s come to his mind.

He was standing looking into infinity, when he felt some one tap his knee again, the flower girl was there again. Just looking at the little girls smile, made Raghav forget the see saw in his head and he knelt down to see what she had to say “ Whats up my Darling, do you need the flowers back? Here you can take mine.” The girl didn’t said she just smiled like and angel and handed him a piece of paper and then turned back and scampered off on her flat foot baby step run across the hotel lobby”.

Raghav unfolded the paper, half expecting a coulorful flower drawing from the young girl. Instead it read “RAGS ROOM 203” It was written with a black makeup article, maybe eye makup. But was most surprising. He hoped this was not a joke and half dreaded whom he would find there. But the note looked urgent with the bare minimum put in the words .

Raghav made up his mind to go and check out. He looked around for Ajay and Payal again, and they were nowhere to be found. Confirming from the reception that 203 was on the second floor he picked up pace to the elevators. As he waited for the elevators he could feel his mind dreading to go and his heart feeling excited at meeting with this stranger.. may be Priya not Anjali. As he entered the lift he could see the Groom had reached the porch and the music had switched to the customary “Bahaaroon phool barsaaaoo … “ soundtrack as the welcome had begun.

After reaching the second floor, Raghav immediately found the room 203, mentally he imagined the bird eye position of the room and guessed that the room wasn’t the one which had Anju and the window. Somewhat reliefed and certain that this was Priya, he knocked the door.

It took some time before the door opened and he saw a girl in peacock blue traditional dress staring at him, she immediately held his hand and pulled him in urgently, she shut the door. We don’t have time, hi im Priya, Anju wants to speak to you, for a minute, she will be here from the next room down the corridor. Actually this connecting door opens there, she will knock when her relatives leave for a minute of so…please wait here.”

Raghav nodded, he said “ Priya you, remember me…na I called you regarding,the phone number,,,whats going on…” Priya looked shaken.. “ I don’t know..ever since she saw you down there…she is feeling as if she needs to clear something with you… I don’t understand why now?… when everything is OK and going well”

Raghav was about to reply back, when the door knocked, Priya jumped with Raghav and ran to the door to unlock it… Raghav just stood there beside the bed..and looked at the most beautiful creation on earth…. He could just not help smiling at her and looking at her ..he just wanted the world to pause so that he could admire her ..

Anjali rushed to Raghav …. Raghav stretched his had to shake hers and she just knocked it aside and came close enough for Raghav to feel uneasy.. he could see he eyes more closely and he was confused as to what was happening. Anjali looked into his eyes for a minute and then in her sweet voice asked “Raghav , I just want to ask you, whether you are fine?”… Raghav took in the words,… he didn’t know what this meant….he just reciprocated “OF course … im fine?”

“Are you telling the truth?”

“Ya, Anju”

“My Promise”

“Cut it out Anju, get to the point”

“Im just worried Rags that you are not fine with this… I want to know whether you have moved on..”

“Anju why all of this now, I don’t know why it matters now. Ive moved on or not should not matter..but y aim trying and I have to some extent. You tell me have you…??”

“Rags, I didn’t had to…? Im fine… im just feeling that ive given pain to a friend who gave me a lot of support when I needed it.. and when I got my love I have not been a friend to you.. you must have needed a friend during the last 2 years.. like you had been to me during college...during my bad times…you were there..and during yours I was not..that feeling of guilt is eating me from inside from the last two years..if I talk to will never move on.. of your feeling for me…and if I don’t talk to you often, you don’t have a friend like before..why does our friendship need this love..??” Anjali was having tears in her eyes.. but she did a good job of stopping them from rolling down.

Raghav looked aghast at this… he did miss Anju for the last 2 years there was no friend as close as her in his life, but she had chosen to ditch him..when he told her..that he had feelings for her…

Raghav was choking ..he wanted to cry…remove his hidden burden, the feeling of rejected love doesn’t do good to a soul.. he wanted to blame her for leaving him in the dark..leaving him when he needed her the most..but then if she stayed would it mean she loved him too….

“Anjali, I knew what you did was the right thing, it was my love that came in the way of our friendship…I was the one who spoiled it… just forgive me…” Raghav didn’t know where these words came from..but he knew his heart was clear… he just didn’t feel bad anymore…

“Anjali… you didn’t love me and you were clear about it.. I was the one smitten by the bug.. and I should be the one who is sorry not you”

“Rag’s just forgive me for not being there for you… I hope I could have been a better friend… you have been more than a friend to me….you were my support system…and now when im back in my zone..happy and starting a new life..i feel that I have somewhere squashed you….who meant a lot to me..”

“Anjali..thats enough for me…that you consider me as your friend..even after all this… I always thought you would love me…I had a small hope that you would love me back…realize that we are meant to be.. but you have found your love.. and I still am in love with you” Raghav felt warm tears roll down his cheeks…just then Priya came in from the connecting room..she felt startled to see Raghav cry but she was in a hurry she just pulled Anjali by her arm and into the next room shutting the door behind….

Raghav stood there alone in the room..with tears rolling down…sometimes the heart never stops loving..he hoped…he had not said anything that would ruin Anju’s life..her wedding..he felt pathetic about himself.. His phone rang. It was Ajay “ Hey Rags, where are you? We are searching for you? Come to the pastry counter.its yumm”. Ajay managed to cut the phone and open the door and into the elevator down to the wedding hall…he seemed to be in a zone of his own..he felt numbness in his hands,feet and was a pain that was numbing him…he couldn’t hear anything..He sat with his friends at a table and they were watching the bride and groom get ready for the ceremonial wedding around the fire. Raghav couldn’t take it anymore as soon as he saw Anjali getting in and sitting beside the groom, he got up and walked outside to the porch… where it was still raining… his head was ringing with his own words “Im still in love with you” He had tears in his eyes..thinking about the rainy day 3 years back when under the tree he had first professed his love to anju.. and since then ..he had tried hard not to think of this… he stood in the middle of the hotel front road and looked up in to the pouring sky..hoping that the rain could again wash his tears his pain.. his eyes were shut..

Just then he felt a soft hand on his shoulder, his eyes were still closed as he was sobbing to the sky, he turned to find her standing there in her peacock blue dress… Priya took his hand and bought him inside the shade of the hotel porch.. She took his hand and squeezed it, then she opened his palm and put a folded piece of paper in it. “ She wanted to talk something more, but she had to leave, so she wrote it down before she came down to the phera’s. she want you to read this.” Raghav opened the letter and read it “ Dear Rags, Im sorry to be of so much cause of pain, but I can’t love you, I have not learnt to love after my first heartbreak. Thanks to you, I was sane and you were there to help me out of the most wonderful time, when you proposed to me, I told you that I was still not over my first love… and you accepted and stayed a was I who moved away..When I moved to Chennai I used to miss you but didn’t call you knowing that you would get hopes on our love… I still hadn’t moved on to love anyone else.. and then when I had left hope and left it on time to heal things.. I got a call from Param, He had got through his college and was now remembering me..but he said he got some signals of fate that led him to call me..and he believed that this relationship was destined by God and he had been foolish to think he career would get affected ..if he reciprocated with he is matured and understands that he couldn’t live without me.. Param met me in Chennai and we fell in love all over again…. He went ahead and finished his ambition and we are now marrying.. I was lucky that I waited and found my first love, and you in turn will lose yours.. am I selfish in ditching a friend who loved me and am I taking the right decision to love someone I loved and who im sure will keep me happy and love me more.. I don’t know.. but im glad I found love and hope you find yours soon too.. by the way Paramjeet’s only called “Sunny” by his family..for me he is always my Param. Wish you all the luck and happiness in life”.

Raghav looked up with his red eyes to Priya who he realized had not left his hand. “ She is marrying Param?” he asked Priya and they both smiled with a teary eyed twinkle. “ Priya, does she know about the messages and emails and your involvement in this?”

“ No, Raghav, you remember I had promised I wont tell anyone.”

“But Priya, Param does love her doesn’t he?” “ Ya, that’s why he;s marrying her. Sometimes we are just means to a bigger goal and we don’t realize it”

Raghav felt happy for Anjali and forgot all his pain aside.. He was ready to move on… A rainy day had started this and a rainy day has ended their story. There is no happiness than to see your loved one find their love..that was the power of makes you selfless and closer to yourself.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

The Rainy Day (Cont... the prequel to the final)

Continued.... this is the second last part.... sorry guys just one last one after this....

Raghav, at last got a grip on him self, and wore his shoes. There was this hollow feeling in his chest, Anjali is getting married. He looked at himself at the mirror, wearing his best attire. He didn’t seem to think much about dressing up these days. It was just wearing anything he had and going to office and coming back late after supper time. He had drowned himself in work for the last one year and it reflected back at him.
Flashes of lightening and sounds of thunder were filling the night. That’s when he could barely hear his cell phone ringing. It was Ajay, his college friend. They had planned to go together and he was dropping in. Ajay was in the same group Raghav and Anjali were in. “ Hello!” said Raghav.
“Hey, Rags, Im just coming over, lets go in my car, its pouring out here”
“Ya, Sure Ajay, just ring the bell and come in when you are here, Ill make us some hot cuppa tea”
“Chal, then Cya”
“See ya” Raghav hung up and went to the kitchen.
Raghav, set the water on the hot stove to boil and added his ingredients. As he saw the water simmering in the pot he looked at the color turning Red by the tea leaves he put in. the small bubbles gave way for sweet tea aroma. His mind again wondered to the one person he had’nt missed for the last 2 yrs, as he had in the last 2 hours. Anjali, was like a haunted memory today, she was coming back to his mind, and there was this hollow feeling in his stomach that woudnt, go. Something had stuck, stuck on the bottom of his heart and leeched at his tummy and lungs, to make them hollow. Raghav had never felt like this since the few days after that rainy day when he had told her how he truly felt about her and maybe also when he had decided not to call her and make her memory erase itself with time. He was successful he had thought, but today she was back like it had been yesterday. Everything that had blurred over the years were back, like the old wounds opening up again after many years.
Raghav, felt his knees going weak and leant against the kitchen table. He saw that the pot was boiling after he had just added milk without realizing it. He was confused about the sugar, had he put it or not. Just then the door bell rang.
Raghav put the stove to simmer, and walked to welcome Ajay in. Opening the door with a forced smile to Ajay, we ushered him in the living room.
“Hey Ajay, ill just be back with the tea, the whethers gone really cold yaar”
“Ya, that’s true, Im glad the wedding is at a hotel not a garden, or I would have spoilt my new shoes” Ajay smiled, looking at Raghav through the serving window of the kitchen.
Rag’s peered at him amused, “Typical Ajay, tu bilkul nahi badlaa, except that tummy tyres.”
Ajay patted his tummy, “You, also get married, my friend, you will find your tummy flourishing like mine”
Rag’s laughed, returning from the kitchen with the tray with two cups of tea“That reminds me when is Pooja, coming from Rajkot?”.
Ajay groaned “ Let me enjoy my bachelor days yaar, come over sometime before next weekend, or we will not get to watch football once she is back”
Raghav smiled, “Sure buddy this weekend for sure. Raghav’s special Chai for you my friend” placing the tray on the table of the living room.
Raghav picked up a cup and sat on the couch opposite to Ajay’s, folding a leg. He looked at the wall clock the time was five minutes past seven, they were planning to arrive at the wedding eightish. Raghav was glad Ajay was here, atleast Anju would stop troubling him with her smiles and memories, in his head.
Ajay was sipping the tea and looking around at the many pieces on the wall piece, his eyes fell on a photoframe.
“Hey Raghav, isn’t that the goa trip, during our final year” he stood up and walked up to it. Ajay, held the frame in his hand and looked closely, “ We all look so tiny in this photograph and you look so tanned man. And look at Anjali yaar, she looks so different with the bandana and all. This trip was really fun!! Miss those day’s” He kept the photo frame back at the rack on the wall. Ajay head had a frown as he sat back and sipped his tea. He felt akward for the moment he reacted at the photograph, Raghav had not replied and was looking at the carpet patterns lost in deep thought. There was this akward silence hanging in the room like an ugly ornament fallen out of a witch’s broomstick. Ajay played with two thoughts in his mind to break the newly formed ice, either he touch the topic of Anjali that he was thinking about while driving to pick Rags up or just change the topic casually and then touch upon it later or maybe never. Ajay remembered that during the Goa trip everyone thought that Anjali and Rags were inseperable and true couple. But then around 6 months later after they all graduated, at a reunion Rags had told all of them that Anjali and himself were always just friends. Rags later had confessed to Ajay, neeraj and the other guys over drinks that he had proposed to Anjali after farewell and hadn’t she had said that she didn’t love him and they had decided to part ways for their own good.
Ajay, thought better of it and manged to say “ Hey, I just remembered my wedding cocktail party, our second reunion. I was going through the videos the other day getting bored with Pooja gone and all. Rag’s you really set the mood that day with all the dancing”.
Rag’s felt himself smile at the carpet pattern, he knew what Ajay was talking about. It was the same day that Anjali had that dance and the last personal talk. At the cocktail party at Ajay’s wedding they had this poolside party with close friends. There was a mocktail bar with some cocktails for the guys. The music was at a slow pace and anjali and the gang were standing at the poolside ramp talking, and Rags heard his favorite song, Dance with me tonight playing, Anjali was observing Anjali with the corner of his eyes. There was this air of distance between them since it had been only 6 months since he had expressed his love and they had been in contact but never touched the topic as decided on that rainy day. Rag’s felt his heart race as he looked at her, and for a brief moment that made his heart jump he saw her look into his eyes, there was the fleeting moment from over the rim of her wine glass that made his heart ache. He decided he was gonna ask her to dance, maybe it was the dirty martini he was drinking or his feeling in his heart. He walked over to Anjali and asked “ Could I have the pleasure for a dance with the lady” Anjali looked shocked for a second and took a step back on her stillethos. Anjali was looking lovely in the black cocktail dress. Rags extended his heart and smiled with all his charm, pleading “Please, a last one”. Anjali was always akward for a dance but something told her that Raghav wouldn’t take a no and she too felt like dancing. She placed her manicured hand on his hand. And Raghav turned around and led her to the dance floor, amid cheers and cat-calls from friends. “Cmon Raghav” Ajay cooed. There was no one on the dance floor as the party was very boring then. Anjali was unsure, “Raghav I don’t know how to dance.”
“Don’t worry Anju, nor do I” just sway to the music.
He placed his hand on her waist and took her right had and placed it on his shoulder and they waltz around, Raghav was speaking out the steps, instructing right leg back now left sidewards now turn. As Anjali picked up the routine, they waltzed the dancefloor in circles. Raghav realized there was alderelin flowing and his heart thumping. Anju had never looked so beautiful, he could see only her beautiful, brown eyes and she too was keeping eye contact now that there was no need to look at their feet for steps. Carless whispers was playing now and people had circled the dancefloor cheering them. He could feel her fingers on his palm with which he was leader her in the directions and sometimes giving her a free hand to have a circle. As anjali took a circle she was looking at his eyes even when she was out of sight for the fleeting moment that she couldn’t turn her neck any more and then quickly she turned her head the other way and smiled looking him in the eye. Raghav was on cloud nine. This was heaven he thought. He didn’t want this to stop, he noticed Ajay and Pooja dancing next to them. And he gave Ajay a thumbs up, he looked back at Anajali and saw a frown on her face. Her expression was that of concern she looked down at her feet for the next five minutes and avoided looking at Raghav in the eye again as if she was concealing something in her eyes. Rag’s was concerned and asked her if she would like a drink, “Yes, please, these stilts are killing my feet” Raghav led her out of the dance floor which was now full of 5 -6 couples all enjoying the party.
He led her to the bar and lowered the steel to let her sit. She climbed and sat. Raghav gave her stool a half turn towards the bar and sat at the stool next to her. He ordered two mocktails and waited for Anjali to break into a conversation, but she was busy looking far into the dancefloor. “ That was fun, what say?” Raghav managed to blurt at Anju. “Surely, you taught me well”
Raghav sipped his mocktail, thinking what to say next. He just managed to look at Anju, who again had a frown on her forehead, Anju looked quickly at Raghav “ Raghav, we need to understand that this is nothing, After our discussion in July, I couldn’t talk to you about this. But I wanted you to know that this was not possible, whatever we have is a special friendship, but we are killing it with naming it love. Coz I am damn sure that this is not. Im worried about how you are taking it Raghav, I feel I am only building on your feelings after all this dance and talk. The more we talk the more I feel I am playing with your feelings. Please try to understand that I don’t feel of you that way”
Raaghav, felt a tide of emotions flush his face, he felt his throat dry and his ear buzzing with some some hollow sound. He felt his heart ache again with a hollow feeling in his stomach. He could see his heaven crashing to earth, this was reality he needed to accept it. “ I know Anjali that this is not gonna happen, I know what you said in July and im not piling it in my heart. I know you need your space and you are sure of your feelings you are aren’t you?”
Anjali felt a nerve on the side of her forehead rise and twitch “Of course Rahav, im sure I cant love you, even If I try to make myself understand. You know about Param and all. I don’t have any love left in me, there is just nothing left inside this heart, its bled and gone. You should understand Raghav, I thought you would understand” She looked the other way a tear in her left eye dropped down. It was always so painful for her till today when she thought about love she always thought about Param, it had been 5 years since they last met, and they spoke casually a few times whenever she called him or met at a friends place during vacations in Meerut. Anjali was hurt by him, he never understood her love and never responded. She had this pain inside her that had grown and closed all ways to her heart. Raghav was trying to encroach her graveyard heart, it had only ugly skeletons waiting to jump out and scare him away, why didn’t he understand. She couldn’t lose a friend like him but she was wary she would hurt him more if she tried to build hope when she was sure she was still not over Param.
“I am sure, Raghav” Anjali managed, “But you are one of my closest friends, and I do miss you when you don’t call up and then I feel maybe its good for you, atleast you wont have to do with the pain later”
Raghav was aghast, he could feel his heart break into a thousand pieces. He felt his throat choke and eyes getting moist.
“Did you mangage to talk to Param?” Raghav said.
“No Rag’s, I told you I can feel it, he doesn’t love me, he runs away from me” said anjali with an edge in her voice.
“How will he know? Anju, guys are dumb, they don’t understand your actions mean something, say it to him, let him know, I know he will never let you go. He must be unaware of his own feelings”
“Now its been so long, and we don’t talk so much, once in a few months I call and he calls twice a year one on my bday and to wish happy new year, Raghav Im telling you he is not that kinda person, he is so focused on his studies, he is trying for MBA now. I don’t want to trouble him by my petty thoughts” said Anjali. Her eyes were wet now and she was gulping down her mocktail.
Raghav, felt a twitch of anger inside his head, “Anjali, why are you doing this to your life” Pleaded Rag’s. “ You will have to tell him, if you love him still, after all these years, you have to let him know or atleast express something, this is just not done yaar. You barely talk to him and you expect him to get an apparition from God to hell him that you love him”.
Anjali looked with wide eyes at Raghav, her mouth slightly open in astonishment, what had got into Rag’s, why was he shouting like this.
“Rag’s you don’t understand, I am a girl, I cant express first. I expect him to understand, if its destined to happen it will happen” Anjali said with an air of snubbing his anger.
“Anju, don’t get philosophical yaar. This is all bullshit, boys don’t understand sign languages and that too over the phone in this case” Raghav said, looking into her eyes trying to make her see his point of view.
“Raghav, this is enough, its my life. I don’t feel like discussing this now. Please.. I have stopped thinking about this I have left it to destiny. Time will tell me what to do. Right now I don’t feel like telling him anything. I don’t wanna lose the friendship between Param and Me. Please forget about all this. I don’t even have his number now for the last one year we haven’t spoken and he too has not tried to contact me. This proves that he doesn’t like me in the way I like him”
Raghav was astounded. He knew Anjali was stubborn, he thought of not perusing anymore but he resolved with all his will, with that sip of his strawberry mocktail that he was going to do something. He is not going to let Anju ruin her life, even though he loved her and she didn’t love him back. He wanted Anju to get her love. He didn’t want her to experience the pain, but nothing he said would convince her now. So he just skipped the topic and joined her in watching the other couples dance.

Raghav looked up from the carpet he was staring, he tea was over and Ajay was staring at him worried. Ajay was wondering if he had raised the wrong topic. Ajay spoke again hoping to get Raghav out of his trance “ Hey Rag’s, how far is the hotel, I don’t have the map, do you have the wedding card”
Raghav felt a jolt, but subconsciously he had picked up what Ajay said and replied “ Arre I don’t have it, remember I told you, I just got the email and the phone call from her saying that I have to be there. She had mailed the card to my parents place.”
Raghav got up and took the tea cups and the tray back to the kitchen. This feeling had to go… he was supposed to go for the wedding Anjali had pleaded and made him promise to come and he was regretting promising her with the filmy “Teri kasam, ill come” when she had insisted. Mayb she knew Raghav too well, knowing he was gonna have his uncanny mood swings. He was scared to face her today, he didn’t know how his face would conceal the unknown feelings when he finally saw her, dressed like the perfect bride. Well There was only one way to find out, “Ajay, lets leave or we will be late, as we don’t know the place we may need some spare time to find the location we can call Payal, im sure she must have reached there by now” said Raghav.
Payal was the few people who were close to Anjali apart from Raghav.
They rushed to the Car and Ajay stradled the drivers seat belt. It was pouring like hell, and the visibility was low. Ajay turned on the car radio and a nice song started to play and as they started of the dreaded location.
“So where is Payal these days. It seems you guys are in touch” asked Ajay.
Raghav thought back “Havent been in contact much, since the last one year but she had called last week confirming that she would be coming to the wedding and hoping to catch up with the whole group”
Raghav looked out of the window as the song playing increased in tempo and drowned the conversation into a musical hiatus. There was something about rain on the road that made it look mightier with all the mist forming over the water logged road.
Raghav’s thoughts went to the last time after Ajay’s cocktail party when raghav had called Payal for Priya’s number, Priya was Anju’s best friend from Meerut who was the only other person who knew Param and her story, as per Anjus confession. She may hold the clue to make them talk again, he had thought, after that party. He was not going to let Anju’s stubbornness destroy the chance they both may have. He must not be know her number now that she is in Chennai, and her number had changed. Payal had told him she had intently not given the number to Param, and was waiting for him to find out and call, if he really loved her. This was stupid he thought the ways these girls think. He had contacted Priya and had come to know that Param was in Meerut studying for his MBA entrance. He asked Priya to him Params Cell number. Priya had messaged him the number in two days thanks to common society and common friends. Now came the tought part Raghav didn’t know what to do and how to do it. He just knew that Param should call up Anju by some or the other reason. He knew from talks with Anju that how she and Param would joke about sunsigns.. Param was a Leo and she called him Sheru when they were talking during the pre college days. Raghav had thought for days and then he had got an idea. He had found a website on the net which allowed prank messages with anonymous names. He sent a few messages as zodiac forecast’s telling him what his day would. Each one he had carefully thought about. Some were like old school flame or friend is thinking about you, it would be good to give them a call. A common friend will help you find an old crush.
He was hoping this would trigger something somewhere. He was feeling dead guilty about playing cupid and manipulating things for good. Then he pacified himself that no one would find out and even if they did he was only trying to make him realize. He was amazed how selfless he felt about it, he actually prayed for Param to contact Anju. He wanted Anju to get her love even though it meant he would never get his. But he believed in the hindi film version of love and sacrifice for this short period though he had scoffed at its futility and idealism all his life upto now. He pondered Love really changes things.
Love makes a person do good deeds that makes him believe he is a good person.
He started feeling good again as the car zipped in the rain logged roads, he was smiling again thinking about how foolish he had been at that time, doing all this, it may seem wrong to some, silly to some, and maybe even dubious to others but after thinking about all this, he was feeling good about love after so many days. He wanted this feeling to stick he was on his way to meet his one and only love of his life, being a bride for someone other than him, and love alone had the power to make the worse situation seem like a walk in the park.

Story will be continued …and I promise it’s the last part.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

The Rainy Day (Cont...)

Dear Friends, This is the second chapter of the story the Rainy day..the continuation. Please leave your valued comments.

Wearing the rarely worn suit on his shoulders. Raghav sat on his bed to wear his polished black leather shoes. He couldn’t for some reason concentrate. The noise of the rain was drowning him in thought. He thought of the first time he had realized that Anju was a special friend. Raghav had known Anjali, since the first day in college. They were in the same stream of Engineering and class. Through assignments they had grown to be budding friends with each other. Raghav started hanging together with this group of friends, and before he knew he had forgotten about all his pitysome worries about making new friends in a new place, that had haunted him during the first few weeks in college.
He and Anjali had clicked together from the first day itself. He found himself talking to her of his small worries, maths problems, Teacher bashing, self pity, etc..
One November morning, Raghav was hanging around the canteen with the Gang, and his eyes found Anjali, who was usually the life of the canteen lunch sessions, looking deep into her plate of dahi-wada and piercing it at one end and making it sail on the white ocean of curd. She smiled only when she heard some laughter around, but only at her now drowning wada. She looked up suddenly and caught Raghav’s eyes, he could see her eyes were reddish and moist. He felt that jerk under his navel, opened his mouth to ask something but thought better of it and put the morsel in his mouth and looked away, as if nothing happened. Anjali had realizes she had been caught and quickly started eating her sunken wada. She tried to avoid Raghav all day. Raghav finally saw her at the parking space, getting her scooty out. Raghav didn’t know what to do. He decided to act normally and approached her. “ Hi Anju, did you get that chemistry assignment done. Prof. Kadam is a hard nut, he is gonna check it tomorrow, and I haven’t started yet”. Anjali spoke with an unusually soft voice “ Hey Rag’s, hmm mine is half done, but cant get to complete it too.”
Raghav said “ If you finish it by evening, can you lend it to me. Ill just look and write my own, will save me from referring those heavy reff books”. Anjali didn’t smile nor did she agree “ Ok, see you in the evening then”. She revved up her bike and zip zapped.
Raghav was concerned, he had’nt seen Anjali like this. He looked at the gate, seeing her ride by it and kept staring, as if hoping to get an answer from the exhaust cloud she left behind, clouding his mind with some questions with no answers.
All day he was haunted by those moist, lost eyes, as if they were filled with some deep pain pleading to get out and scream, her rest of the face had an uncanny smile. He thought about Anjali, she was one of the decent looking girls, smartly dressed and always had a smile, her voice had a bubble and fizz that was missing for the last two days and today was the lowest of them all.
Late Evening he made up his mind and called her, half scared, half concerned “Hello” said a girls voice at the other end. Raghav barely recognized it “ Anjali???” he asked. “Who’s this?”. “Hey Anju, Rag’s here”.
“Oh Hi Raghav? Im sorry I didn’t finish that assignment. Have been busy with something else all evening”.
“Anju, do you need help, I can come over, you can help me write it. That Kadam will kill me”
“hmm… O.K. lets meet at the hostel reading room”.
“See you in 15 then Anju”
“Cya. Bye”
Raghav couldn’t get himself out of the concerned feeling. But while wearing his white sneakers, he tried to think that it must just be a bout of flu or some girly thing he couldn’t guess.
Raghav reached the reading room, which was empty. This was not the exam time and was not surprising. He cursed Kadam in his mind, he always starts these assignments so early in the term. Hmmf Wheres Anju? She must be on her way, usually on time she is.. but today must be an exception. Today Anju was not herself…
Suddenly he saw Anju coming in. She was casually dressed in blue collared Tee and below the knee jeans and a pair of slippers on. His heart sank looking at her face, it was worse, than he had imagined. Her fair skinned face was red around the eye, which looked puffy and definitely looked as if she was crying all evening. He hair were unkept, that made her look refreshingly different but for her red eyes. Raghav, raised himself just of his seat, to get her attention and waved. She gave the shortest smile possible. Raghav was now regretting calling her and forcing her to come. This seemed like he was the insensitive guy who just was concerned about the assignment.
Raghav made up his mind and asked “ Anju, you don’t seem well, your sure you wanna do this assignment. Im sorry for being selfish.”
As if out of sleep Anju startled and paused and then replied “ Raaag’s, cut it yaa. Im glad I came out of the room. I would be bored all day just sitting and …” She stopped abruptly.
Raghav waited for the silence to break, then awkwardly fumbled his bag for the topic. “Anju, just explain this pyrometric elements theory and applications. Ill pick one and we will discuss. Once I have some ideas to work on, ill scribble some thing and bring it tomorrow”
Anjali looked around and said “OK. Why don’t we sit on the porch behind the hall, in the open. This hall is too stuffy”
They walked around the porch to the roadside street light and the 2 feet wall which was well illuminated by the lights form the windows from the reading hall and the street light of the road. The air was breezy, Anjali was again lost somewhere far as they sat on the wall with the books in their hand. “Anju, Are you alright? You don’t seem well” said Raghav, bemused at his own evasiveness.
“ Rag’s its nothing.. just feeling a bit low” said Anju looking a bit flummoxed by the questions.
“Anju, you are not urself since morning. Whats the trouble? If you need to talk, im there. We know each other for months now, never seen you so low. Everything all right at home” said Raghav, searching for her eyes to meet his. She had been avoiding his eye.
Anjali, had always been comfortable around Raghav, and they had shared so much time. The thing that was troubling her was something that she had’nt said to anyone in her life except her best friend from her hometown, Meerut. She had’nt had any close friends in Pune, but she had made pretty good acquaintances and was having this good time. But Rags was different, he seemed to be genuinely decent and intelligent guy, a bit shy but very TLC kinda guy. But could she tell him what was troubling her, trust him, she knew she would feel better saying it to him. Rag’s wasn’t the guy who would judge or pass comments and try to help, he would understand. She had been in love since she was in 11 std with her school friend Param, her friendship with him, had been growing into new found feelings, she never new existed. They used to walk back from tuitions, pulling the bicycle’s with them, just to have some extra time to talk. They used to talk for hours when they would have the tuitions cancelled, time used to fly for Anju, and she found herself day dreaming and anticipating Param’s company. But everything changed after the 12th Std. She waited for Param to say goodbye before leaving for the hills to persue engineering, and she was going to Pune. She thought in her heart whether, he would tell his feelings, whether he felt the same way about moving away. Param, came to meet her and went on ranting about how he felt the new place would be, his excitement, his apprehensions, but never how he would miss her. Anju wanted to break down and confess her feelings in front of him, hold his hand never let him go. But Param for some reason, was so happy about staying alone and getting through to this prestigious college. That he couldn’t see her eyes getting moist and the lines on her forehead that were pleading him to stay a little longer, so that she could say all those things unsaid between them. But Param left in a jiffy and never called back, even when she was leaving meerut for Pune. Few days back she had called him, at his hostel, and he was surprised to hear her voice, and she could feel the distance in his voice. He mumbled something about classes and assignments and not finding time to call. Anju had broken down on the phone and let out her emotions by giving him a earful on what she felt. Surprising instead of feeling ashamed at not calling her Param had tried to defend and asked her to forget him as he would not want to answerable to her, and stop talking to him. Anju was heartbroken ever since this conversation, angry that she lost their friendship, by losing her balance and letting him know what she felt about him for him not calling her for all this time. All the pent up anger was taken out on him. Even after telling all this Param was unflumoxed and had requested her to not call. Did he hate her now? Did he know I loved him? Did he never love her?
Anju was lost in all these thoughts and had forgotten that Rag’s was sitting in front of her. She wanted this pain to go down to her grave, in secret. She didn’t want to share her tears with anyone. But then Raghav’s question was still hanging in the air. Everything all right? You don’t seem to be urself?
Anju had tears in her eyes this time rolling down her cheeks, she hadn’t noticed it until she felt something warm roll down her cheeks, she wiped in half way down. Raghav was shocked. He felt his insides clench, his heart sink, his throat getting dry and his feet shake. It was one of the saddest sights he had seen in his life. He felt his own throat forming a lump, Anju was hiding her face by looking the other way. Ragav opened his mouth to speak but managed nothing. He felt thirsty like a tired camel. “Anju, please tell me what happened? Maybe I can help?” he managed through an uncharacteristic squeaky voice.
Anju, through her wet eyes and sobs, told Raghav that she has been feeling a bit bad about how she treated a friend. She then explained the friend was Param and told him about how he had’nt called her and she felt he was moving away, and she felt sad about it. They were just very good friends but now suddenly she misses him a lot. “… I just cant help but miss him and feel bad about blaming him for not calling me, i should have been a friend and realized, he must be adjusting in a new place” she said and then her left eye had a stream of tears wash her cheek in barely dried lines.
Raghav had never been in a situation like this, where he had so many things happening to him, with the dry throat and forever clenched guts. He could feeling his eyes blurring, he couldn’t see Anju like this crying, thesituation and the story she told him, made him helpless. He couldn’t help her in this. It was this helplessness that made him so uneasy. If he could do anything to stop her cry, what should he say, he was himself, feeling like crying and screaming silently. “ Anju I can only say that, don’t blame yourself. It is not your fault , you should always say what you feel. You did nothing wrong and for gods sake don’t grill your self yaar. If Param is truly your friend he will understand and call back. I promise you he will. How can anyone be angry with you Anju? “ said Raghav. “ You, just don’t cry Anju, this will be all gone. It will be all right.” Anju turned to look at Raghav, his eyes were moist and red “ How can you tell? How can you be sure?” Raghav said “ Im sure Anju, Once he knows how much you love him, only a fool can not know, he will be coming for you and never leave you, he will know how lucky he is”. Anju, felt much better at this. Raghav words gave her a hope in this sinking ship and she clutched at it with life “ Promise, this will happen Raghav” Raghav felt a damp hand hold his open palm on his lap. Raghav clenched it hesitantly and reassuring clenched it saying “Promise, Anju, he will come back”. Anju managed a smile looking at Raghav smile with his moist eyes getting narrower at the corners. There was something in the smile that made Anju believe him and get all the worries thrown out of her. Her mood lifted and she noticed that they were holding hands. Feeling akward she quickly unclenched and removed her hands and caught the book on her lap. “Now lets get back to work”.
Then with an after thought added “Thanks, a lot Raghav” again just stealing a smiling glance.
Raghav, felt a feeling in his chest rise, spreading warmth on his clenched stomach and releasing all the tension and emotions he felt in the last half hour. He couldn’t help look at Anju, flipping through the page with a smile on her face. This was the greatest moment of satisfaction he had ever felt. This was the beginning of a special bond between the two that none could match.

Raghav found himself looking at his polished shoes, smiling. He must be looking stupid if someone just saw him with one sock on and a shoe in his hand and him smiling at his shoe, sitting on the bed’s edge. Hmmf. The smile would have to stick, he was visiting her on her wedding day.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Rainy Day..

Friends this is my first attempt at writing short snippets, or a chapter from the whole book. Hope you enjoy it. Please leave comments and ignore spelling and grammer mistakes i wrote it because of short term insomania ;)

Raghav was a little nervous checked himself in the mirror twice, he smiled his charming smile again to perfect it. His fancy dress shirt he had bought for the occasion was a snazzy grey shade, matching with the black pinstriped pants another new entrant in his wadrobe. He would be meeting many old friends today, it was Anjali’s wedding. A knot appeared in his stomach which eased to give way to those energetic butterlies. They were synonymos to Anjali, whenever he heard her name he got this sensation. He looked into his eyes in the mirror. Anjali, the girl he had never forgotton over the last 5 years, Hardly called or met, until he got an email usually a group forum mail he saw her name sometimes, saying she had got engaged to an IIM grad from Chennai, and the guy was a cool dude earning an obscene salary and was a handsome geek and she had got into the relationship as an arrangement, but was sure this was for real.

He looked into his eyes and smiled, He seemed to have that charm, but this eyes didn’t smile. He could see cheek lines getting deeper the teeth flashing from between his lips, the stretch in his jawline, his cheeks uplifting…but his eyes contracted but didn’t twinkle. Hmm pointless to try, the same has his slightly protruding belly, resulting of his sedentary lifestyle. His mind was flashing and his stomach was a series of knots. The Thunder outside was resounding, it was pouring heavily this July night. Heavily like the day, it had changed everything between Anjali and him.

On that July evening he called up anjali, to tell her he was meeting her for dinner today.
She sounded happy, Ragahav felt the knots in this stomach, but these were those of anticipation. They were filled with hope, not guilt or despair. This was love, the four letter word that meant the world to him then. Anjali was the friend, the support, the laughter, the blood in his viens, the flesh on his bones. The time he first saw her was not when he fell for her. It was not her first smile that meant the world to him. There were talks on the way back, there were notes exchanged, there were jokes and laughter shared, the accidental touch on her arm, the shyness to the coy glances. It grew but he never took though it was love, until she had left for home after the last day in college, way after he saw her in that sari at the farewell party. When he had asked her to dance and guided her across the floor, waltzing. Everytime it grew deeper into his soul. The eyes that smiled until they broke into that dimpled giggle. He could crack the weirdest jokes from the end of his wits to make her laugh, and watch her. And all this stopped when they had gone their own way, he to his nice job in Mumbai and she to her job in Chennai. That’s when Raghav yearned every day for seeing that smile, to feel his blood throb in his veins again, to make the stomach knot again in hope. It had all gone… in one sweeping stroke of time.
And this Rainy day Anjali was back to get the degree awarded in that black suit and that graduation hat. This was fun for the old gang of friends, there was so much to say, so much to party about, first salary, first day at work, bosses, colleagues..etc. But Raghav had his eyes on Anjali the whole time, he just wanted to see her smile, her hair blowing in the wind, her words, her lips. She was leaving tomorrow morning for Chennai. Today evening was gonna be his last chance to meet her. He wanted to tell her the way he felt about her. He was not at all sure whether Anjali, felt the same way. She was never the first one to call him after college got over when there were many uncomfortable day of killing silence between them. But maybe Anjali didn’t know about her feelings, he thought why not just tell her. His inward silence was saying that it woul ruin the friendship, and to give it time. This was not friendship this was something else and it was beautiful. He was waiting for her to come out from her friends place, on his scooter.

“Hey Hi, Rag’s” came a voice from behind, He turned back to see her standing behind him outside his house. “ Still have your moto-scooter, zip zap zoom, I miss these in Chennai, the company bus is oh so boring..”. She was looking amazing he thought in his mind, Wearing a yellow tee and blue jeans. He managed to say a customary hi and muttered the favourite café’s name they used to haunt during college as a group. His mind was preoccupied, should he tell, should he not. The struggle didn’t seem to go amiss with Anjali, “Rags, Whats the matter, something troubling you”. Raghav managed a shrug and Anjali pestered on. He pretended it was the helmet, and zipped through the country side road, the shortcut to the way.
The dark sky just got greyer and started thundering. He could feel Anjali flinch in the back seat and clutching his shoulder. And then it poured…heavily and steadily. The road was empty and a huge tree was situated near buy. Raghav rushed under It on his scooter and they got down. He had a look at anjali, she was drenched and so was he. These short and bursty rain clouds, just show no mercy. But Anjali seemed to be cool about it. “ This is so beautiful, the country road the greens everywhere. I really miss Pune” The saw some god sent rocks just under the tree and sat there. Anjali noticed Raghavs silence. “ Kya hua Rag’s, Please, something is not right with you”. Raghav looked sideways to her curious face. She was concerned, he could see her eyes though the wet hear hair stuck on her forehead. He could feel her arm leaning against his. He shifted his weight and looked the other way and said “Nothing Anjali, Just….”.
“Whats Just… Rag;s Tell me”
“ Anjali, kuch nahi, its just that Its too much for me…”
“Whats too much…”
“This Life”, he said, “Everything, its so fake, so pathetic, I just cant see how I can stay here without my friends, without you”. He hesitated and said, “ its just not the same, and I miss the times, remembering them, The place seems haunted with memories, this road, the café, the bench, this rain, everything seems to have this ghostly feeling, I just keep coming back to the past,….coming back to you” …”All of you” he added.
Anjali, was looking at his face, he wished she would look away, he was staring at the wet soil all this while the rain was getting harder and he had to shout to get her to hear him. His face was hot, his breath seemed short, like when he woke up from the nightmare’s he has repeatedly, invariabley starring Anjali.
Anjali spoke at last. “ Rag;s its not easy for all of us. This happens to everyone, people move away, but they are always friends, in the heart. We are always just a call away my friend. Comon, cheer up yaar. Its not all that bad.”
An explosion built up in his heart, went down his throat, But nothing could come out. The lump stayed in his throat and the eyes were turning moist. He thought it was best for this to pass. He kept staring at the leaf now soaked in droplets.
Anjali, reached for his hand, and held them, They had held hands only twice before.
They were comforting, he felt the lump dissolve and the words coming out.
He clutched her hand hard not to let her go and blurted out load “ I love you, Anju. I cant live without you. Please don’t leave me”. He looked into her eyes, pleading and begging. He had the look of a person asking the satan to trade his soul for one more day on earth to say goodbyes. He felt tears moistening and running down his cheek, just half way. As if by impulse he gets up and leaves her hand, stepping out of the tree umbrella, Standing in the rain. Anjali looked shell shocked. It didn’t matter what she thought now. He had said it and he knew he could only wait for his instinct or Anjali to guide him through this situation. The rain melted from his wet hair into his cheeks and disguised the feelings streaming from his eyes. Anjali got up, she knew he wasn’t kidding. She walked into the rain and stood beside him, They looked at each other together. Anjali had her eyes red, due to the rain water or something else, was not for Raghav to guess. “Since when?, how?....” Raghav said. “ I don’t know stupid, its been since any of the days we cared for each other, I cant point to a moment. But I know since you’ve gone I am not myself. Im missing me being with you. I was so much more when I was with you. I was not Raghav, I was your Rag’s. I Just know that I would love myself the way we were, carefree, caring, loving, mastikhor, everything…without you there is no Rag’s, no Raghav, Anjali, you complete me like no one does. Don’t you see what ive become.” Raghav couldn’t control the tears now. He cried as he spoke, and rain splattered on his head. The drops hit his heated head, hands his shirt with stinging force, like a thousand cold needles pricking slightly on the tip of the skin. Tingling and stinging… It had a calming effect and a kind-off stimulant to keep the words coming out.
Anjali, looked at this with tears in her eyes. She couldn’t feel them running down, they just joined the rain drops diluting the pain in her eyes. “Rags…” She managed with the same pleading tone Raghav had, when he had said I love you. “I don’t know…” she said.
“I don’t know either Anju, Its confusing for me too….but I know that I love you so much that there is not a single moment since the last 4 months that I have not thought about you, pictured you in my happiness, in my sorrow, spoken to my pillow thinking its you, waited for you call, a missed call, browsing through the albums, ive been crazy Anju, its not yours to know. Its mine… I just cant understand why this is happening now..and its just keeps coming back to one thing, I am just not me, when you are not around.”
Anjali said, “I don’t know if I have felt the same raghav, its not like that for me. Im busy with work, I miss you too, but not all the time, I miss all of us together. Do you thing you are sure…are you sure…its love…or friendship.”
“Friendship?...Anju, you think this is friendship…I have crossed all the boundaries of sanity..just to tell you all this….its insane in my head…like a hundred questions and just one answere that I love you…”
Anjali cried a bit loudly in reply.. “why is this happening Raghav?...why to us?”
Raghav” Anju, I don’t know, do you love someone, do you think this is friendship, and I may be wrong. Maybe I am missing the times of lifes. And wanna relive them, ive been through all this in my head but the answer is always more confusion”
Anjali cried “This may be the confusion, Rags.. I don’t think I will ever love again, ive lost everything once, I cant handle it again. I haven’t had the guts to share this with you or any of us..but my love is gone..He left and I never manged to get over him.I never even told him all this you told me. I wish I could, but I think its too late and im still not sure it was love” She sobbed with her head down. Rahav reached at her hand now sobbing loudly too.
They Clenched their hands tightly. Today was the first and last chapter of that love story. Raghav realized that she had the deep cut of her first love wound that she wouldn’t heal, and she never will feel about him like he did about her.
“Anju, we will be friends forever atleast. Please don’t go away. I promise I will never mention this day again..ill never tell you how much I love you …maybe you are right its better to be friends for now”
Anjali just cleched her hand tighter in answer.

The thunder jolder Raghav back into the mirror. His Tie knot was done nicely. He was gonna attend her wedding today. A friend that he loved, a friend who was more that a friend for him. And she had moved away slowly and the friendship stayed through the occasional emails. Hope this is not the end…..

The Other Half of the World

Hey just a light hearted attempt at unravelling the greatest mystery for Einstien and for that matter all man-kind. (Kambakth Ishq Dose Effect..) Please be non judgemental....

Whats life without women? The “Woe’ to the ‘Men” in the world and some believe the thing that completes them ( and im sure they see the half full bucket of tears too). I remember discovering that there was a whole new species out there threatening the existence of my kind. When suddenly harmless white sheep in a herd, in the childhood herd and suddenly they are transfigured into a mutant species of yourself, with long hairless limbs. I call it the doom’s day to a man’s life.
But knowing the physicality was different was the easy part of them all, the problem came when you asked you mind what does this species want? And I am still asking myself this question since the Judgement Day and im still lost for the answer. The answer is still not taught in any education I received in the many schools I got my so IMPORTANT education, hoping in vane year after year. If you don’t count that ridiculously confusing presentation and slideshow they had in my final yr in high school, which left me so confused that I was relived I saw that movie some time later or I would have still been pondering over that text book chart showing a cross section of the body that you could not understand unless you had x ray vision or had a scapel friendly had ( Steady Surgeon). And this all just to make you understand that the two species are way different. He I learnt that playing doctor doctor with the mutant sheep when I was as little as 8 yr old. Hello Mr. Education Minister the most important education that matters a lot to a guy is to understand that grey matter of that seemingly harmless sheep that has some chemical locha or is made of some mutant virus disguised as a neuron in their brain.
We are sure the Defence minister knows about the Bio-Bomb that’s been thriving in your home. Ya dude look at your girlfriend, wife, sister, all of them. The neuron in their brain is having a mission statement, to confuse my harmless, hardworking brain cell into believing that he is a slave and must listen to that mutant virus that’s deadly and knows how to strangle you to make you feel retard and completely unworthy by its choicest abuses and high pitched fury of words, that make you run.
The whole reason for this biological weapon called women, is to search, train and enslave a man brain and use its superior quality thinking to believe that all he earns should be bestowed and presented to the weapon, so that it doesn’t leave you, cause that means ur the loser of the nth order. It’s a deadly combination of guile and disguised motives that all men know but are afraid to confess, coz these bio-bombs somehow know each other.
And if one x bio-bomb knows ur cheating and complaining about y bio bomb. She will send a secret ear to ear call through delirous channels and before you are aware in matter of a few phone company share spikes, you see that ur screwed man. And then you know the next time you speak a word even in ur deep sleep ur so gone man.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Feeling for you.....

Blinded by this darkness of my life,
Like the grey covering, the sky so clear,
Like the clouds that the sun can’t drive,
I’m stumbling my way here, in cold fear.

Wishing you were here to break my fall,
Wish you were here, without my call,
I need to know that you are still there,
That you understand and really care.

Wish you hadn’t walked away,
Though I was a jerk every other day.
I know I was wrong in letting you go,
It would be so hard, I didn’t ever know.

I wish you could just look back at the times,
And remember me and smile sometimes,
Like I do, thinking of you in whatever I do
I swear this by God, this feeling was so true.

Wish you would just pick up the phone,
And not shut it hearing the stupid dialer tone.
For that’s where, I always hesitate and shut.
Not knowing whether the shackles are uncut

Blinded by this darkness, im crawling ahead
Hitting the wall, and falling on my head.
Bleeding and battered im finding my way through,
But all this while im just feeling for you.

Sometimes you make mistakes and go away from your close friends..blinded by your own ambitions, lifestyles, goals and most of the time ur self ego. When you realize the person you loved is not longer there becoz of ur petty fights..and its dark times again and ur crashed down to the earth...u see that its so dark without a hand to guide you through this..and you are left feeling for a hand to guide you through the can pick up ur phone coz u cant say sorry..ur just there waiting for a hand to guide your through the darkness...

Set me Free…..

Wish I could cry, in your arms someday.
But then I wish I could simply quit to try,
I have this disease growing in me,
Parasitic, clutching, its hard to let free.

I wish I could sleep, I wish I could dream
You appear in my mind, as soon as I sleep.
Waking with a jolt, and sighing in relief.
Wish you’d leave me to die in my grief.

Wish I could just forget those times,
Wish I could just erase those rhymes.
I suffer from amnesia of a rare kind,
My happiness gets just too hard to find.

I wish I could just meet you some day,
Before I sleep for a final time,
And then I could ask you forgiveness again,
For I cant escape, the ghastly crime.

But then I wish, I could live again,
Rise from the ashes, like the phoenix does.
And then I forget this stinging pain.
Cleansing my soul, free from all the stain.

I Could have changed a lot of ways,
I could have skipped a lot of days,
I will try to reshape them someday,
Mould them again in time’s clay.

I Wish I could sleep again peacefully,
Without your swollen eyes staring at me.
I wish you would dream again truly,
And then just lift the door and set me free

You are sometimes trapped in a cage of your bad decisions..and conflicts.. its so bad that it haunts you.. the hurt that you caused to a person that you love, is sometimes so overpowering on you when you realize you were wrong and cant undo the damage done on, your neighbors, friends, the person you hurt my heal and move..but the guilt that remains in ur mind can sometimes eat your soul. The best thing to do is to ask for forgiveness and learn from your mistakes.