Living in a shell

Watching the world go by in ultra slow motion, I can see the same faces, the same things, the same tasks, the same room, the same road… and I wonder am I living or am I just getting by doing the chores. I meet new people, I smile and talk but no one feels like my own or someone I can trust to wrench my heart open and see the ugliness beneath the glorious facade. Is it that the world is suddenly bad, or is it that I have seen so much that I have become cynical about trusting someone or  do I believe that its me alone who will have to deal with my problems? Is it the baggage of my experiences or my own self made walls that I just can’t seem to make a connection, old or new, that’s as carefree and giving like I did half a decade ago. Everyday I  see people smiling at me, I can see people asking me “how are you today?” and every time I just answer what they want to hear.

Friends and family are there around and some are far, but I prefer to laugh with them but when I cry, it’s alone. I always answer just what they want to hear.

On second thoughts its not that they are not trust worthy. No, they are dependable and great and rare gems that I treasure, but still I don’t wanna open my heart coz I simply can’t wrench the damn thing open. Don’t get me wrong, I would trust my friends with my life and stand by them in thick and thin. Its me I don’t trust any longer. I feel I have hidden so much beneath those smiles that faking them, has become a habit. Those rare times I have opened up, I feel judged for what I feel, or  what I do and what I should have done. I can’t stand their stares of enquiry and pity or words some too preachy some just ignorant. Id rather just make them smile, id rather just give them one less pain to think about. Because after all its me alone that has to find a way out of this trench.

But this has been not because we are not close anymore, my and my friends that is. Its just that everyone has a life of their own now. Someone is studying at a far off place, some one is on the other side of the globe making a life away from drudgery into their happiness. Someone is enjoying companionship and someone is just like me drifting on… watching the world go by ..in ultra slow motion…the same replays almost everyday and not a true smile to share, let alone a true disappointment. Suddenly people have stopped reaching out to me and ive stopped reaching out to them. I have a strong feeling its to do with lies and walls that we built around ourselves when we feel alone.

I feel shutting my self out is not out of choice, its just happened, I have just moved into my own cocoon where I feel safe from all the pain of the harsh winter, that I may not stand to feel once again. I hope one day this catapillar does grow into a butterfly and join in the merry world at the high speed that it seems to be moving in. where everything seems new, every feeling is that equals to flying with open arms as your wings, and I soar once with a smiling face, a kindled dream in the eye, a heart of joy beneath a happy place. And where I’m not lonely anymore and can feel an arm reaching out to me and holding my hand flying around at such a height, near the clouds and there when everyone looks up at us, its we who will be flying in ultra slow motion.. I can sleep without turning endlessly in my bed, I can wake up with a silly smile instead.

I can see im getting in the limerick mode again and just harping and meandering between topics and contradicting myself above. So I prefer to stop… lets see if I can get the Poetry mode again…after such a long long time J

As I think of all the years gone by

And the dreams that couldn’t mend

I try to imagine where and when

This stony trails comes to an end

Do I have to stand all alone

As I face every single day

And think of all the time that’s flown

And think of an alternate way

There was a time of hopeful dreams

And joy came with each day

And though it was years ago

It seems a lifetime away

I do not know where that ‘ME’ went

Reflected truth with this sight

And a spirit that would never dent

And slept with peace each and every night

But years by, I look at me now

The oyster in its shell

And failing to open it again

I found another kind of Hell

Every night I lie, in my bed alone

And I rise each day the same

I have no one that seems so close

To reignite my dying flame

I walk the days with a painted smile

And I feign a happy heart

And someone asks “Friend, how are you?”

I don’t thing, just gladly play the part

And deep inside Im so alone

And though surrounded by my friends

I have an empty, Void inside

And the bottom never ends

My friends are great, I love them all

And I know that they mean well

But when they say, “Friend, how are you?”

I don’t want me to tell

For as long as I Say all is fine

Then they don’t have to deal

With the emptiness, With the loneliness

That Everyday I sometimes feel

I hope I don’t be someone else

Someone who shows emptiness

The then my fake happy eyes,

Will be replaced by ones of bitterness

For there’s so much love Inside of me

I have so much to give,

But shattered dreams and broken hearts

Give me so little to live

Yet I live on, Despite the pain

Though no one can understand

I fake a smile, While deep inside

Im a hurt and broken man

But perhaps one day, When I trust again

And can believe that all be fine

I’ll put aside the pain, And be allowed to feel

A new found joy, and the spirit shine

And the heart will trust again that day

The world will spin around

With all the hurt and pain at bay

Chirping birds Oh what a happy sound

Getting wings we soar high

And share all the joy that’s waiting

And never return to this lonely place

And start a new life, with caring

P.S... ya so thats it.... but i dont know if i know what i have written ... is feel this post is too random and contradictory... hmm just about time to sleep :)